Yes Prime Minister

SEPTEMBER 2004 - The people, not knowing better, are grumbling. The heavy mandate is no longer around. True. Neither is His Heaviness. True again. But what have we got instead, they are moaning? A minister under every bush, that’s what. The pity is, Islamabad has so many bushes and the government was compelled to place a minister or two under each one. This gives a new meaning to the word heavy, some people say. It’s heavier than heavy water said a man who lives near Kahuta. Some people have gone as far as to suggest that there are now more ministers in the capital than policemen. If this is true, it means the government has not revealed the real number of ministers it has. That’s not funny.

This may be disappointing to some but if there are so many ministers, what’s the harm? After all we are a staggering 150 million souls – though there isn’t much soul in what we see around and at the controlled population rate that we are going, we are hoping to hit 250 million in another 10 years – a far better performance than what we did in Athens. So what’s the beef if poor Shaukat Aziz has a few buddies as he makes soul-cleansing trips to the Holy Land once every fortnight? When asked why there were more ministers than ever before, a senior government official on condition of anonymity (he didn’t want his name revealed because he couldn’t remember it) declared that this was par for the course. Tantalisingly, he refused to define which course. As for big numbers, I am afraid the general criticism that some are making, is uncalled for. This is a big country. It needs a BIG cabinet.

Having said that, I have it on good authority and from people who are the leading lights of the new good governance – shine on Mr. Mushahid Hussain; Mian Nawaz Sharif approves whole-heartedly, that the Prime Minister has had some difficulties managing the cabinet. Understandable. Allah be praised, he is now getting the hang of it, being the savvy banker that he is. The first has been to determine if the cabinet is in full attendance. Roll calls have not quite solved the problem. The first day the PM managed to finish the roll call, but by that time all were late for lunch. Lunch is serious business and the ministers were hungry. After lunch it was discovered that some ministers had called out ‘present’ when they were actually ‘absent’; others had problems remembering their names. Yet others were busy sending SMS messages to their constituencies and exchanging jokes on mobiles. Mr. Sharifuddin Pirzada advised the PM that roll calls were important as they established the law of necessity, one of Mr. Pirzada’s favourite laws. There is a best seller on the way later this year from the ‘Jadogar of Jeddah’ on the same subject. However, tedious roll calls aside, there were other vexing problems.

When the PM wanted to discuss important issues like colours of cars that the ministers would like – after all how else are we going to spend the Rs. 175 million we have allocated to the ministerial force, he was soon coughing and spluttering. The effort of making himself audible over the noise of 32 talkative ministers, another 30 odd ministers of state (no one knows so far which state they are from and more significantly, which state they are in) and another few dozen parliamentary secretaries was too much. What the secretaries were doing there was not immediately known. The government was expected to issue a statement later. To confound the problem, 3 of the 5 advisers to the PM rolled in to pass the time. The Minister for Science & Technology suggested that the whole cabinet hall – the cabinet room not having been designed for such a large gathering had already been expanded, be rigged with listening and talking devices. When informed that such was already the case, bugging being part of good governance, the minister went to a corner and sulked for the rest of the day. Someone borrowed a megaphone from the Islamabad police which was gainfully employed lathi-charging a group of price hike protestors, but the PM found that the ministers were still unable to hear him. It was decided that a powerful sound system complete with thousands of microphones be installed. Someone suggested the government commandeer Junoon’s sound system. Sadly, the band was out of Pakistan. However, the government was not without its resources. An elaborate sound system was set up. A three-day course was convened to explain to the worthies that unless they pushed a button they would be unable to be heard but this being a very complex theory, the course had to be extended by another three days followed by a refresher course.

The PM’s problems are however far from over. Most ministers are asking that their staff be also allowed to attend cabinet sessions with them since they are unable to talk, write and listen - all three, at the same time. Since most have never had pens, they are also unable to write and are afraid that some of the PM’s instructions may not be fully communicated. Good governance being dear to all, the matter is now being debated by a select parliamentary group, comprising only 60 members. A decision is expected soon as almost all 60 members are mentally functional. Then there are the Ministers of State who take offence very quickly believing that they should have been ministers and not in a state. The other day, the PM addressed Mr. Ali Nawaz Mahr on a matter concerning Local Government and was informed by Mr. Mahr that his portfolio was Industries, Production & Special Initiatives Division. This led to a general commotion. The name of the general is not known. Someone was asked to produce a list of all the ministers along with their respective portfolios. No such list was found. The PM is trying very hard, but there can be misunderstandings explained an insider. Mr. Mushtaq Ali Cheema who is Minister of Textiles Industries is sulking because the PM thought he was Minister of Port & Shipping. The Minister for SAFRON – frontier affairs (it is now a listed subject and anyone knowing anything about anyone having an affair in the frontier should get in touch with Islamabad), is offended because colleagues want free samples of Saffron.

Having to master almost a 126 names and portfolios is not easy. Although the PM is good with numbers and can kick up a storm with a hundred zeros, he is having little sleep, working late into the night. Apparently he is quizzing himself endlessly pitching portfolios vs. names vs. designations and getting cross when he defaults. He is also having a problem placing names against appearances. With half the team looking like Godzilla, mistakes happen. The PCB Chairman, who has nothing much to do these days and is holidaying in the UK amongst the nabobs there, has suggested that all ministers and parliamentary secretaries wear One-Day shirts with numbers and names displayed boldly. It is probably the best idea Mr. Shahryar Khan has had in the last 10 months. He has also offered free shirts since it is unlikely the Pakistan team will need them. Good suggestion as it is, what happens if ministers trade shirts? After all if Mr. Shoaib Akhtar can lose his, what’s preventing the VIPs from doing the same? Problems, problems, problems. Our heartfelt sympathies for Mr. Aziz and his band of merry men.