The Friendly Series

SHE Magazine (2004)

There has never been a friendlier series of cricket in the entire history of mankind since Newton, was hit by a short-pitched apple, after lunch on an otherwise very sunny day. The Indians who arrived here, naturally from India – where else, had so much security that people in Islamabad warned the President that a takeover could not be ruled out entirely. The President consulted the Prime Minister, the NSC, Colin Powell and the cook at Camp David, who were all of the opinion that there was no immediate and present danger. However Bush warned that weapons of mass destruction if found must be neutralized till an aide reminded him that it was Pakistan and not Iraq that was under review. At this Bush heaved a sigh of relief followed by popping a pretzel that ‘Condolences Only’ Rice fed him – it was a rice pretzel in case you are getting any crazy ideas.

The tour was so friendly that the coach carrying the Indian test cricketers with dark windows was given to the Pakistani cricketers midway, since they needed all the security the authorities could provide and the Indians were happy with a regular coach. The teams were so friendly with each other that there was a huge crisis which Rambo Raja was able to resolve while signing three contracts with his left hand with three foreign channels. With his right hand he was doing other things, which I can’t mention because Mrs. Zuhra Karim doesn’t brook such nonsense in her magazine. The crisis – no it wasn’t the sale of 2000 tickets that Rambo was wrongly accused of - he had never given 2000 tickets to his friend but 4000, but that’s neither here nor there, was actually that the teams wanted to change places. Ganguly said that he’d be happy to skipper Pakistan, this being a friendly tour, which was fine by the PCB till they heard that, Inzi, after carefully translating his statement from Urdu to English had said he wanted to captain the Indian team. Eventually, Mian Shahryar who never likes to displease anyone appointed Ganguly captain of the Pakistan team and Inzi captain of the Indian team. When the teams heard this, they said they wanted to switch sides too, which everyone thought was a capital idea. Of course after much debate, Rambo Raja declared that since everyone had crossed to wherever they wanted to, the teams were back in their respective positions after all and so the series could get underway. The bookies in Mumbai, Dubai, Hong Kong and the PCB, all agreed that this was the best way to go forward and the series began.

In the Pakistan camp there were late night discussions on how to make the Indian team win and likewise there were similar discussions in the Indian team. While the John Wright made elaborate calculations on his laptop, Miandad did the same by placing a piece of paper that had floated from outside on his lap and making squiggles on it which he said was advanced strategy. However since no one was able to read his squiggles, which were in Sanskrit, no one knew what he was talking about. Some when confronted with this news remarked that it was alright since no one had ever known what Miandad had ever talked about. After elaborate discussions lasting many dinners and totes being passed about – the Pakistan cricket team slogan being, ‘a happy team is a high team,’ one important decision was reached. In the One Days, Pakistan planned to give as many extras as there were overs to be bowled. ‘One extra at least per over or I’ll have your backside roasted for the BBQ party I am planning in Multan,’ warned Inzi. Poor Shoaib got so frightened he promised five extras per over but others stepped in and told him to relax and take it easy. “ I am relaxed,” he replied puffing rapidly on his 56th tote of the evening. “Hey man,” he added, “I am…er like cool man …er..hey what’s a few dozen extras for peace man?” he asked and then fell sideways till he woke up three days later and screamed, “Who’s taken my balls?” Shahid Afridi was called in. “You are our surprise weapon,” he was told. “Having played only 191 ODIs for Pakistan, you are kind of new and need to work yourself in, so get out as soon as you can. The Indians will be expecting you to hit a 100 runs in three balls. When you get out on the first ball, that will really give them a jolt.” Shahid Afridi who has problems reading road signs was quick to agree. “I agree,” he said and later asked somebody what had he agreed on, but since he had asked Younis Khan, he got no reply. Someone had warned Younis Khan not to score any runs otherwise he would be thrown out of the team. This appealed immensely to Younis Khan who is a very bright chap. There were many suggestions to help the Indians win. Shoaib promised to bowl so fast that if the batsmen got an edge, it would always sail for a  six. “Can’t we make it an 8 for the Indians?” asked Youhana but he was told to shut up and keep praying.

At the Indian end, which is not the end you are thinking about, there were equally bright and far-reaching discussions. One discussion in fact went so far the security guys got into a right royal panic and had to be calmed down with a shower of Valium water. “Listen guys,” said the coach, “I don’t know what you two have been pissing about for 50 years, but we are on a friendly tour like how and we are going to show the world what real friends are like. Now, I want you to go out there and lose all the one days and jeez I’ll come down hard on anyone who screws up.” The team was real solemn and Sachin piped up, “Sure thing boss but why all?” “Another thing,” said the manager, “five one days adds up to five days if my advanced math is right and that’s nothing.  But ok I respect your views so I’ll let you guys win the first one day, then lose the next two. We’ll take it from there.”

And so the tour progressed. The two teams were embracing each other so much, the MMA got excited. “Look at those boys,” said a couple of beards in Wana. “Young boys,” murmured a third beard. “Hmmm, too much touching and patting going on. Is our ideology in danger?” “Not yet,” said a cleric who was quite absorbed in watching Shoaib rubbing a white ball on his thighs. The umpires had to hold a mid-field conference. “Listen,” said one, “these guys are not playing cricket. All they are doing is strolling about with arms around each other.” “Well, that’s not too bad. It is a friendship series after all,” he concluded. Dutifully, India won the first one-day, lost the next two and won the last two. Although they tried desperately to tie the fifth one-day so that the series would be tied, Pakistan being the good hosts they were, simply pipped them at the end and happily lost. “I am so happy to lose,” said Inzi. “We are so sad to win,” said Dravid. When the tests arrived, the crowds decided that they were feeling so happy they had decided to stay at home. One fan summed it all up. “All year long we are sad and miserable. If it’s not the khakis, it’s the beards and if it’s not the two of them, it’s the Chaudhries. They really get my goat,” he added and then said, “Well make that a cow because they were never into goats. Now we are so happy, we are staying home and spending this quality time with our families.”

The PCB Chief managed a few words with the press since Rambo was polishing his fangs in the other room. “This is a happy, happy series and the teams said that please make sure no one comes to the games since we want this to be a private affair. We obliged and in any case when we organize things, we screw up big time so no one actually came but we said we had done it for peace. I am up for a Pride of Performance next year if I am still around otherwise I’ll leave my address in Bhopal.” When the third and deciding test came around, Inzi said he’s pull out the team’s toenails if they scored anything over 225. The team obliged. The Indians were under pressure. As the openers went in, Ganguly hissed, “Sehwag you are out first ball or you are out of India for life. Got that?” “Sure boss,” said Sehwag and got out first ball. Inzi clutched his head – a difficult thing for him as he usually can’t find it. “What’s he done, what’s he done. Now what are we going to do?” Worse, the next day, Sachin went for 1 run on instructions from the Indian Foreign Affairs Special Desk. Inzi took stock of the situation and counted till five till he ran out of numbers. “OK,” he added. “This is war. India scores 600 plus or more otherwise you can kiss your arses goodbye,” he added. The team obliged. “Drop catches, misfield, bowl wides, no balls, give extras, take no wickets and miss run outs,” he yelled. “Understood,” said the team. “Boss,” said Dravid. “What do we do to lose now?” he added. “I am pissed with you,” said Ganguly. “What got into you to score 270? Huh? What will I tell the Prime Minister? Look,” he said to the crestfallen team. “We have made a right royal boo boo, so there’s only one thing to do. The Pakis are going to do their best to lose because they love their country. So they’ll give you catches. Now you hear me. When the catches come, you drop them like hot samosas or I’ll fry you in Kolkata bazaar. Ok?”

The Indians dropped seven catches but still won by an innings and a day. What a great game it was in the end, both sides congratulating each other and so happy in defeat. The people who are always the last to know were a bit confused but took heart when they heard that Shoaib who had refused to bowl on day three for fear of taking Indian wickets was now starring in an Indian TV commercial for only Rs. 40 lacs as a special case. He even flew to Mumbai and spent all night at a disco swigging champagne to be as near his new Indian brothers as was humanly possible. When asked why he failed to get any wickets worth mentioning, he replied, “That is what friends are for.”