Cricket’s Sorry Circus

DECEMBER 2004 - Pakistan cricket is now one very tangled, hopeless jumbled mess of a million threads. You can’t even begin to untangle it. Straightening it out is beyond question. The beginning and the end are intertwined in so complex manner that the first reaction is simply to throw the whole thing away. That is why when Shoaib Akthar walks to his 40 yard ego-laden run up, I wish he would simply go on walking, get out of the Stadium, out of our lives and out of this planet. But he turns and the circus starts again.

The papers are full of the Perth Plunge. People are angry and frustrated. From the many statements that have come out of Australia, Ricky Ponting’s is the most stinging when he voiced concern at the lack of competitiveness of the current series. Can there be a more insulting slap to Pakistan cricket? And of course he is right. The Aussies play hard cricket and we play – well really none of us can quite figure that out. Imran Khan is groaning. As he puts it, for 25 years he has been sounding like a badly worn out record saying the same thing again and again, that there can be no consistency and therefore no hope for our cricketing dreams unless we put a thorough and well-planned cricket structure in place. Needless to say just the opposite has happened. Saeed Anwar is perplexed and undoubtedly prostrate on the ground praying to his new-found faith, wondering what madness made Pakistan play a 5:5:1 combination, especially in Perth whereas a 6:4:1 approach is infinitely better. To those of you not familiar with this heart-breaking sport (for Pakistanis at least), Saeed is referring to playing 6 batsmen, 4 bowlers and a keeper. India made the same mistake like we go on doing and lost, till they rectified the error. Maybe their coach has no laptop. Woolmer took his eyes off his beloved laptop and muttered something about being completely and totally baffled. Inzi mumbled about losing initiative and playing bad shots. Thanks sport. We appreciate this.

Mr. Diplomat having first taken pot shots at the touring captain – that should have done wonders, then took a swipe at being made to play the first test at Perth. Has the Board been in slumber since the itinerary was made public? The answer of course is yes. And if you can’t play at Perth, why are you in Australia in the first place? How do these people get such high jobs? Well it seems you must be a dimwit to start with and full of nonsense to remain in the job. You should never be accountable. The less you know about first class management techniques, the better. Instead, cozying up to those who are in power and waffling on about non-essentials is a tried, tested and damn good success formula in Pakistan. Those who know it have made it. Others struggle and fail, particularly those who have warped ideals of accountability and self-respect. Surely a resignation from Mr. Mandarin would have been the dignified thing to do – not because Pakistan was annihilated so ruthlessly but because in the year that you have had a glory-time at the Board, things have gone from bad to worse. It’s not cricket you are murdering. You are sending a message overseas that we are a bunch of inept, unprofessional and characterless lot with not an iota of self-respect or dignity. That to me is far more serious than feeding the Aussie slips their 400th catch.

We must face facts. Pakistan’s cricket is as erratic as its governments and as unpredictable as its policies. The game has no system. Players rise and fall like pieces of plastic debris that float in sewers. A few rise, most fall. Some stay but most are gone before you even remember their surname. Favourites abound. Trials are rigged and success is relative – depending how successful your relative is. Since the game now generates obscene amounts of money, there is every opportunity to squander it, without fear of ever being held accountable. Thus, enormous amounts are blown on trips, perks, overloaded administrations and overheads. Favours are generously bestowed on fawning and praising courtiers. Tickets are pilfered and sold in the black market. Contracts are awarded without so much as a token adherence to procedures. The Board runs on whims, twisted logic and sweeping inefficiency. There is no constitution, the country clubs and whatever passes for domestic structure, remains unrepresented at the national level. Whoever arrives to lord it at Lahore’s PCB Headquarters, makes money, spreads disaster and leaves to the next cushy posting. The well-oiled system of avarice and self-promotion simply gets stronger and stronger. The absence of integrity and calibre that was once reflected in men like Cornelius and Kardar is long gone, replaced by the clowns who milk the system and lick the cream. It is pointless to go on blaming the players and the many, over paid Woolmers of the world. Cricket needs drastic overhauling which means you have to dismantle this claptrap vehicle that you go on sending to the great race tracks of the world. The change is not going to come about because there will be no realization at the very top that an assignment has been botched up. This change has to be from outside, an executive order. The chances of that happening are – well just as bright as winning in Australia. So grit your teeth, tape your mouth and be prepared. More onslaught is on its way.