Unholy Mess

AUGUST 2004 - While waiting along with thousands of other Pakistanis for my Prime Minister to pass some few miles away from where the security goon squads had rounded us up, it was not difficult to understand what is wrong with cricket. Complaining about how rotten things are was just as relevant as groaning about the traffic mess that had engulfed a city not exactly famous for its orderly traffic on any given day. But every now and then, the cup runneth over and I am not even thinking of the 2003 World Cup that we missed by a few hundred light years.

Of course all cricket is ad hoc, that wonderful state of being where you are answerable to no one, not even the third umpire in the sky. Cricket ‘ad hoc-acy’ is one of Pakistan’s enduring truths. In between all the lies and skullduggery that goes on endlessly, there are bleating noises about constitutions, merit, procedures and principles, but all these are simply means to maintain an absolute stranglehold over what is after all your personal fiefdom. This has more or less been the name of the game. It is not going to change except a few cosmetic flourishes here and there. The (mis)management of the game in the context of the country, where a prime minister is selected before he is elected and the nauseating hypocricy that pervades over everything does render notions of responsibility and accountability irrelevant in today’s Pakistan, why should cricket meet the same fate as the rest of the country? Is running it properly something for which we will have to abduct Bill Gates to come and live here? Is it so complex, so complicated and so technical that it is beyond the capabilities of ordinary mortals? Why is it the world’s biggest problem to get a grip on eleven louts who travel the world, get the highest perks and make a mess of just about every match they play? Are these men equipped with laser guns that stun their keepers? Are they Martians in disguise? Hypnotists from another galaxy? Inzi would need a month to add 2+2, but is there no one who can explain to him, using stones maybe, about the bonus point mess up in Sri Lanka? Oh the questions come faster than imported technocrats and are larger than Mr. Shahryar Khan’s Bhopali wardrobe of pajamas and silk ‘kurtas’ that is now the official kit of PCB’s mindset. I say bring on the dancing girls, get the ‘farshi saman’ in place, assemble the courtiers and let us have an evening of high culture in the company of Yousaf Youhana and Abdul Razzak or the wild-eyed, half-demented, brain-dead erratic missile from Rawalpindi.

Cricket cuts to the very soul of most Pakistanis whose only fault is they love the game just as much as they love a syrupy sweet hot cup of tea. For this weakness, they are punished by all the clowns who come marching in and lord over PCB, then leave one day having further ruined what is already destroyed only to be replaced by another horde. The question is that this is now simply beyond endurance. Maybe it will never end, like standing for hours in traffic for someone who probably can’t even tell you where wood comes from, but the public should finally rise and demand an end to – well this is after all a family newspaper. We all know what it is. Since most of us hardly question anything saying that this is the way things are, things just get worse, but when people who are right royally responsible for the mess, turn around and tell you that everything is great, never been better, you retch. After the recent fiasco in Sri Lanka, hear the great ‘gaddi-nashin’ from Multan who says the tour was a great success. Lord have mercy on my soul. Chimes in Laptop Man, part of the Rs.4m circus we have hired and echoes the refrain, then both sing a duet before fading away. Earlier, these gents and the other free loaders – that includes the great squad that frittered our money, time and integrity on the tour, make angry noises, beat their chests, jump up and down, race up a few trees and blast the bonus point system as if it had descended in the dead of the night and caught everyone sleeping. What’s the beef guys? Shall we raise Einstein from the grave to explain to you what the rule was? Did anyone bother to read it and then explain it in sign language to the goons who were grinning like apes or was that difficult because the rules were written in Tamil, which Woolmer can’t read? Give me a break, PLEASE. When India was 5 down with 200 far away, what were you thinking in the field? Bowl them out? Shoaib break down Indian stumps, wow, man he is so fast? What was Captain Marvel planning? The next outing of ‘halwa-purri’ or cutting down the singles? Did Woolmer’s laptop have a sudden virus attack or was he making smoke signals which the team could not understand? Instead of owning up that it was a big F-up, the tournament organizers are taken to task, angry statements are issued to the media and amidst mumblings about what a great success it has been, the yo yos are back, planning their next disaster.

Now, Mr. Shahryar is making more nosies, albeit in his highly cultured and gracious fashion, defending every single decision he has been making from that cold December day when he arrived at Fort Knox. There are now so many foreign coaches and experts that it is time we should also have a foreign team. Inzi can go to the shrine in Multan, Youhana can open a chemist shop in Youhanabad and Woolmer can have his laptop fixed in South Africa while Stevenson, Lifson and other whites can watch in reverence. Greg Chappel is here costing us more than Shaukat Aziz’s new security apparatus, but guess what? The A Team which he is looking after is in Kenya with Aqib Javed, undoubtedly on a safari trip to understand from the elephants how cricket is played. Not many will recall all the great things the mandarin promised when he took over, because public memory is scandalously short, but what is memorable is that not one of the things he declared he would do have actually happened. Instead, mind blowing and utterly asinine steps have been taken, to more or less, maintain the status quo. Some university has been at it for months telling us what is wrong with our cricket when all it needs is for someone to go to Gowal Mandi, have a bottle of milk soda and ask the ‘Pehlwan’ jee what is wrong and he will have his answer for free. Maybe the local university is not good enough. Perhaps Harvard should be called in. After all there’s no shortage of funds, at least not as we speak. Some advisory panel was set up to further determine something that none of us can recall and the criterion for getting in here was to be personally known to the Chairman, cultural affinity and having held a cricket bat at least once. What masterpiece this panel has produced is classified and may be open to public scrutiny after 30 years.

As for the ‘honorary,’ but not so honourable Mr. Raja, who must be permanently jet-lagged, the man can do no wrong. Charges of misdemenour stick to him just as effectively as water on a duck’s back. While his ‘honorary’ status entitles him to a car, free petrol, phone, TA/DA, club class travel, entertainment, five star hotel stay and God alone knows what else, the nation owes him a debt since he takes no salary. How clever. PCB has now discovered that their CEO, not available since June is AWOL till September. That’s nice. When he is not high tailing it as PCB’s wonder man, he is the new Richie Benaud of commentary. When bored, he models for cold drinks and sometimes calls his bank where he ‘works.’ He also calls all the shots in cricket’s shoddy affairs, is on a one-to-one with the President (and hence beyond accountability). A mediocre player, a lousy administrator, an even lousier commentator and a bad TV actor, he should be sent wherever the Rajas go when the gig is up. Mr. Shahryar said in December 2003 that the duality (Duality Mr. Shahryar? Quadrupality is more like it) at the CEO’s level would be wholly unacceptable, yet despite another ticket scam that Mr. Raja is involved in, the man is in full flow. What happened to derail all those good intentions Mr. Chairman? Now the Board is shocked it has no CEO till autumn. More of the bonus point principle at work. Personally I don’t care whether the President wears one more uniform over the one he is wearing and even nabs Maulana Sami ul Haq’s dish rag, but cricket’s unholy mess needs commando action. Bring on Gen. Tauqir Zia I say. All is forgiven General.