The world is your urinal

JANUARY 1998 - Reading my friend Irfan Husain’s column this Saturday morning, I have just the thing that will bring a smile to his son in USA, the inimitable Shakir who has schooled and shot the breeze with my son here in Lahore. I agree with Shakir. His dad’s columns, as indeed mine, wear the cloak of misery, depression and bleakness that clouds the existence of us all who carry on struggling in this strange land. Now neither Irfan nor I, nor far better columnists than us, can do a darn thing about the state we are in. In fact, I have it on very good authority, that most of the people don’t even read these columns, since they are in a foreign language and far too serious to be taken seriously.

In these jaded and miserable times, the Prime Minister is a man, the President is certainly a man, as indeed is the COAS. The Chief Justice is a man and I hear so is Rashid Latif the captain of the Pakistan cricket team this week. And so are all those in whose capable hands we rock and roll every day. I agree that there are exceptions like Abida Hussain and Asma Jehangir, but heck they are just two. The rest are men and so this week let’s celebrate that great fact. Sorry gals.

100 reasons we’re glad to be MEN

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

4. Public scratching of your ‘valuables’ is kosher.

5. You don’t have to monitor your friend’s sex lives.

6. Your bathroom washing lines are 80% shorter.

7. You can open all your own jars.

8. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.

9. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

10. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

11. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

12. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.

13. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

14. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

15. Your last name stays put.

16. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

17. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

18. You can kill your own food.

19. The garage is all yours.

20. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

21. You never have to clean the toilet.

22. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

23. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

24. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

25. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

26. Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack.

27. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

28. You don’t have to shave below your neck.

29. If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.

30. You can write your name in the snow.

31. Everything on your face stays its original color.

32. Chocolate is just another snack.

33. You can be President.

34. Flowers fix everything.

35. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

36. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

37. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

38. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

39. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.

40. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

41. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

42. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

43. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.

44. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking “He must be mad at me”

45. The world is your urinal.

46. One mood, all the time.

47. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

48. Same work....more pay.

49. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

50. The remote is yours and yours alone.

51. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

52. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

53. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

54. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

55. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.

56. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.

57. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

58. Princess Di’s death was almost just another obituary.

59. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammerand throw it across the room.

60. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

61. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.

62. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So...notice anything different?”

63. Baywatch

64. You can hold hands with your male friend and not raise eyebrows.

65. The more hair you have, the better.

66. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

67. From here to 100, the list is not for public consumption. Sorry guys.

Now this may not make Shakir’s day and certainly will not do anything for the country, We are not going to get better or cop it. We will simply plod on playing odds heavily stacked against us. In the meantime, guys let’s go. I know there’s nowhere to go, but what the hell.