Only organised crime please

MARCH 1998 - Pakistanis have long since abandoned any foolish hopes they might have had about law and order ever becoming law and order. In fact most don't complain any more about the mayhem that is officially proclaimed as 'the law and order position is very satisfactory.' Against this dream scenario, there is further good news from Dargai in the NWFP. As always the enterprising Pathans have led the way. Astute and practical business men, they have taken the first steps in making crime into a professionally organised business venture, forming what the newspaper succinctly termed 'Car-lifters assemble to form new body.' Speaking on the occasion, the newly elected President, Khan Bahadur (what else !) told the eleven member executive council and the very supportive crowd that had gathered to encourage this progressive development, that he would leave no stone unturned, and dare one add, no car either, to come up to the expectations of his co-professionals. He added that the body (not as in automobile) would take all necessary measures to ensure that car lifters would be assisted and guided in the difficult task they would undoubtedly face while practising their noble profession. The new association which has a vice president who perhaps should be called the president of vice, a general secretary who we all understand is not a general, has also on its august rolls a joint secretary and a propaganda secretary. With Khan Bahadur leading the way, the public can be assured that car lifting will receive a well-needed shot in the arm. One can understand why the new organisation would require the services of a propaganda secretary since car lifters receive so much bad press throughout the year, with headlines like 'car thieves snatch Honda Civic in broad daylight.' Given the state of everything else, is it a crime to snatch a Honda Civic in broad daylight ? Would it be acceptable if it was snatched in the dead of night ? One can understand the propaganda secretary has his job cut out for him. The car-lifters body has asked all members in good standing to immediately sign up by depositing Rs. 2,000 with the body's central fund, for which one assumes that proper receipts and such like would be issued. There is great percentage in being part of a professional outfit, no doubt about that. This central fund, said the Khan, would be used to provide legal assistance to those who might be prevented by over zealous officials from carrying out their daily duties. This is truly the work of a responsible and caring organisation and one hopes that some of the worthies who sit in the national assembly would note this. Having said that, one is immediately beset by doubts since this damn column is in a language which the worthies avoid by a mile. Khan Bahadur, who is a man after my own heart, said his doors were always open. He advised car lifters to immediately call him (must be a mobile number) for proper guidance in storage, price negotiations and sales matters. He further announced that to encourage membership and give the body truly greater depth and dare one add, resilience, he was happy to announce a one time newcomer's fee of Rs. 1,000. One sadly wasn't in Dargai on the day of this wonderful gathering but surely deafening applause, the kind that greets our own president, must have greeted Khan Bahadur when he uttered these words. The executive council, one might add, comprises venerable gentlemen from Mardan, Landikotal, Risalpur and other equally important towns. Perhaps we can persuade Khan Bahadur to open a few more branches so that when cars are lifted, and lifted they must be given the state of affairs, one might not be too inconvenienced to locate them. And equally, should one require a quick purchase of somebody else's darling, it would be nice to know where to go. One also hopes that the propaganda secretary will take time off from his long midday lunches at the delicious Chapli Kabab hangouts and make the whereabouts of the body known so that they can be reached in a jiffy. After all that is what propaganda is all about. We all know for instance where to go for justice. Not the courts since they no longer have anything to do with it, but rather to the house beyond the park in Lahore. As citizens of this great land, we have all become great realists over the few years while Mr. Haq, Ms Bhutto and Mr. Sharif have successively promised the moon and given us something that is hard to put into print. Now that cannot be changed and we all accept that happily. After all why should there be progress anyway ? Certainly why for us, the commoners ? All that we require and ask for is that the chaos through which we pick our way daily, should be organised just a bit so that we are buffeted about a little less. Khan Bahadur has done the right thing by restoring some balance to a trade that had gone off the rails. One hopes that public relations consultants of say, the country's leading bandits, might read this and encourage their clients to organise their professions along the right lines. We don't mind being robbed, but since we can't go to the cops, who in all likelihood are the robbers in the first place, we should be able to access gents like Khan Bahadur for advice and assistance. That is all. It's not asking for too much, is it ?