The way to go

MARCH 1999 - As always, the Jamaat has shown the way. It’s another matter no one is able to read the signs, but that is not the Jamaat’s fault. For those of you not well-versed with the local jargon, the Jamaat is our equivalent of the Ku Klax Klan and has the distinguished record of having never won a seat in any general, major or captain election ever held here. Why this has been so, we mortals do not comprehend. The Jamaat has steadily refused to answer any queries on the subject and the matter remains one of the country’s top mysteries.

Always ahead in strategic planning, the Jamaat has recently announced its intentions to wash the Minar-e-Pakistan which you will recall was soiled by the Indian Prime Minister when he touched the monument and even stepped on the pristine floors. It is not relevant that half the populace steadily urinates and defecates in and around the Minar because that is the faithful indulging in their favourite pastime. However, a heathen aboard the Minar is a grave matter and the Jamaat has quite rightly called upon its rank and file to prepare the Minar for a well-deserved scrub and shampoo. I assume that this will be followed by prayers, chanting of verses to ward off the evil eye and all sorts of holy mumbo jumbo to cleanse the precious site of influences, which are obnoxious and undesirable. Although I have not had access to the methods the Jamaat plans to use to achieve, what is, the desire of the nation, I hope that rose water is among the ingredients they are considering, provided someone has made sure the rose water in question has been taken from roses planted by genuine, true blue Muslim hands. Should we discover that these have been planted by say, a Christian gardener, can only mean that we will all be consigned to the burning fires of hell forever. I am sure there are enough learned and dedicated men in the party to ensure that the rose water is quite kosher. Since ritual washing and laying of holy chaddars is quite the done thing around the country, with those in power and out of it, regularly arriving at the shrines to pay homage, ask for the saint’s blessings in eliminating the competition and putting in applications for speedy financial gain, may one suggest that after the bathing sequence is over, blessings poured and all evil spirits removed from the Minar, a green chaddar may be draped covering the monument from head to foot as it were and perhaps the government induced to keep it that way. We could by doing this make sure that evil eyes of visiting Indians may not be allowed to cast their more than evil shadow on the only thing we have which is still standing up. It should be the logical follow up to the bath.

I have no doubt that before long, the Minar will be restored to its original pure state but has the party thought of other buildings and spaces which must have been similarly tainted by the unholy presence of the Indian Prime Minister and his delegation ? I am sure in their desire to cleanse their favourite monument, they have momentarily forgotten that it wasn’t the only structure that suffered at the hands of the infidels. To start with, the Wagha border post, our side that is, needs a through scrubbing. Starting with a strong anti-septic, followed by Vim and finally by shampoos and rose water as produced by hands of the faithful, the border must be washed. The road leading to the helipad must be similarly treated. So far so good, but thereafter, the Indian Prime Minister clambered aboard the PM’s helicopter. Well there should be no problem in re-baptising the chopper with appropriate verses and the usual drill, but how in heaven’s name are we ever going to disinfect the atmosphere that got polluted when the chopper flew from Wagha to the Governor’s House ? And even if Dr. A.Q.Khan can do the needful, who is going to wash the Governor’s House ? I am sure Shahid Hamid is too busy inaugurating book fairs to take the proverbial bucket and sponge and start at one end. Anyone hoping that Kamran Lashari of the ghungroo-dancing-trees fame will step in, is mistaken and don’t ask our foreign minister, Mr.Shahbaz Sharif to take care of this. He is too busy drafting the next foreign policy.

When you consider the places the Indian Prime Minister visited, I can tell you we have one hell of a problem on our hands. Can anyone blame the Jamaat for quite rightly thinking that this whole business was a devious Indian ploy to pollute our fair land. And to think that our Prime Minister actually shared his takka tin with the Indian Prime Minister (don’t worry; he just had the gravy). The mind boggles. The situation is far more serious than we think and all credit to the Jamaat for raising our consciousness. My only concern is that if this is the way to go, should we not introduce the caste system before it is too late ? I am sure the Jamaat will vote in favour of it, and why not ? Heck, it’s the only way to go. Don’t ask me where though.