The Return of She

SEPTEMBER 2001 - At last, a glimmer of hope, a ray of sunshine. BB’s latest announcement following fast on the tracks of the artifacts of the Surrey Mahal (as the locals call it), has brought a smile to the people of Pakistan. Where that smile has been brought is hard to determine at this early stage. The important thing is that in a year that’s been brilliantly depressing, this is the first good news we have had. Her decision to return and contest the elections – let’s not call them general elections since that could give the faujis ideas, is a timely one and just what the country needs.

There is little doubt now that she has all the answers the country needs and we all know this country needs a lot of answers. While traveling from continent to continent and lecture to lecture – it’s a hard life out there and the money is not so good, she has between bagels and decaff coffee thought of nothing but her subjects back home who miss her and her winning ways. She may have been lecturing the Brits on the joys of democratic living one day and the Viennese on the virtues of good governance (to use one of Mr. Mushahid Hussain’s favourite terms), but those who understand her and could read between the lines, knew that all she wanted was to return and serve her people. Of course her detractors – and let’s face it, without them there is no fun, were of the firm opinion that when BB thought of serving her people, she had more or less the same ideas that the cannibal chief had when he lovingly penned his best selling do it yourself manual – 101 ways to serve humanity. There are others who accuse her of flitting from capital to capital charming the long line of world leaders with her wonderful accent, her lilting commentary and brilliant gift of stringing words together, that latest quality no doubt gleaned from years of apprenticeship stringing pearls together. It is a common fact that her dexterity with jewelry has been acquired only to enable her to understand the larger supply and demand issues that are important for Pakistan. Of course it is another matter that in her case it was always demand and supply, a political philosophy that she learnt from her husband whose name I temporarily forget at this time. He used to live in Islamabad at about the same time as she did and was a famous trader, ready to make a snap deal at the drop of a hat. They say that hats used to rain in Islamabad whenever he was around. The funny thing is and the Met Office boys haven’t been able to figure this one out yet, the same thing happened whichever city he was visiting. But we mustn’t digress.

Among the many good things that can happen once she is back and taken over the reins of her kingdom, oops sorry country - this will happen fairly easily contrary to what you all may think, is that pink ice cream will be declared the national dish. This will not only revolutionize the dairy industry but will mean more jobs for the poor. This policy has already been framed and copies are available at all shopping malls in Dubai or Harrods in case you can’t be bothered to go to Dubai- it’s very hot there let’s face it. Her think tank – rumours are true, she does have one given to her by Farhatullah Babar, has yet to work out how pink ice cream will mean more jobs for the wretched, but that’s just a matter of detail and the people can expect some good news shortly – ten to fifteen years tops I would think. But aside from the leaping progress we will make in milky ways, her rein will usher in democracy in all its glory. This will consist of the following radical improvements.

All newspapers will carry political statements made by political people. The people will welcome this move since they are tired of listening to political statements made by non-political people. It will also give the faujis time to attend to the polishing of the brass pots at the units - we all know they have suffered grievously while the faujis have been rebuilding the nation from scratch (remind me to tell you why this nation is always scratching). BB will be able to share with us many things, among which will be the strategic importance of our country for Chad, the great future that lies ahead (or behind – I confess I cannot quite remember which one) because we have a role to play in the affairs of the world. It has been debated that she was thinking of role as in roll till one of her policy advisers reminded her that roll in such a situation was not quite desirable and perhaps she was thinking of hay and polo ponies and such like. BB immediately understood the situation – that’s one of her great qualities – I have a list of the others but seem to have misplaced it recently. We will be able to understand at long last why we are here on earth and why do we live in a country that’s constantly invaded by its own army, although I have my personal doubts on that score. Mankind may have progressed a great deal and unraveled the mysteries of the universe but some things are beyond human understanding and should be left alone. Women will make great progress once again after a gap of many centuries. It is known by all that during her earlier experiments with the country, she was made aware that there were women residing in the same physical space occupied by herself and her family and her lands. This had caused considerable surprise to BB who had not noticed this earlier and having seized the situation, so to speak, decided that she must do something for them. In this she was guided by her fellow-evangelist, the Right Reverend Mian Nawaz Sharif, who performed noble deeds for raped women, often visiting them and consoling them with the assurance that they would not be raped again. Why he was not awarded the Nobel Prize – rightly called Noble Prize in Pakistan, is a conspiracy about which not much is known. However, following the blazing trail of her friend, RR MNS now on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land, BB issued a strong statement in favour of women. The statement was really strong and three OSDs assisted by six Section Officers were unable to break it. This had, at the time, pleased BB no end and to celebrate this joyous moment, she had bought a few trinkets for a couple of million pounds to commemorate the moment.

Of course there are many more things that will happen once she is back but it’s funny how one loses important papers at the wrong time. While I rummage for the benefits of BB’s third term, at least one thing is certain, that with her back, public life can return to the state of idiocy that it is known for. Who can disagree that the lady has a way of seeing things from a perspective only visible to her and her brigade of happy-birthday-cake-bcutters?