The national trademark

SEPTEMBER 1999 - Our public outings are now strictly characterised by gross bad taste, that is when chaos and mismanagement isn’t reigning supreme. In fact all three go hand in hand and are something of a national trade mark. The PML government might as well patent it and make some money while the going’s good.

Consider the fact that no procession is ever able to get from point A to point B, a distance of 100 yards without taking forty five hours and causing endless pushing and shoving in the bargain. There are more people on the truck that carries the rabble rousers than there are in the street and everyone and his uncle make endless speeches in hoarse voices predicting the downfall of whoever is running the goofy shop in Slumsabad. The more disorder there is, the more successful is the show. That seems to be the going rating system. The PM’s various forays into cricket grounds, mountain tops and rape victims are almost always pictures of complete and utter bedlam with officials, cops, security personnel, hangers on, party stalwarts, application peddlers and everybody who has nothing else to do, milling about, pushing and pushing and pushing – the perfect national picture that we can telecast to the world. A nation on the move so to speak.

A delightful report from Masood Haider in New York reveals that the Paki confusion and rank bad manners were on proud display in the Big Apple on 22nd August when the Pakistan Day parade (which is not held on 14th Aug for reasons best known to sufis and saints and others close to the heavenly powers), was completely hijacked by Ejaz ul Haq and brother, who quite shamelessly preached non stop about their great father and his great contributions to the country. So complete was the takeover that at one point, Ejaz ul Haq remembered the Prime Minister but gave him about a minute after which it was back to the tyrant and his achievements recounted to a crowd that became increasingly bored. Meanwhile back home the nation salutes this great leader and wishes his successors well. In New York, meanwhile, there were just a handful of Pakistanis to hear Haq & Haq. Others, displaying good sense, simply stayed away from the farcical circus. The Mayor of New York who had shown up on the Indian’s parade, gave a miss to ours. Obviously a man of good taste and common sense. The Pakistan Day parade heroes, Haq & Haq (there we go again),were wise to skip a couple of names of former leaders since they obviously had no relevance to the day being celebrated. Two among them were Mr. Liaqat Ali Khan and of course the one figure who must cause considerable embarrassment to the Has and their prosperous tribe, namely Mr. Jinnah. So hung up were they on their glorious father that they simply forgot Mr. Jinnah. I am sure Mr. Jinnah doesn’t mind, or care for that matter. I guess it won’t be long before displaying his picture could well become a cognizable offence.

Earlier, Mr. Kasuri, the Ahmad Raza variety that is, took to the streets of Washington on the official Pakistan Day parade funded by the government and had the good taste and dignity to promptly flay the PML government and the Prime Minister. What a man. It’s a miracle he didn’t defile the official limo he must have been tooling about in or draw obscene pictures in his hotel room undoubtedly paid for by the embassy (that’s us poor sods whose taxes send Mr.Kasuri and other louts on freebies abroad). When a parade leader asked Mr. Haleem Siddiqui, Minister of State (or perhaps Minister in a state), for funding, he was told to instead collect a dollar per head and send it to Pakistan. Brilliant thinking as usual. I suppose it would be stupid to find out who all were there this summer. Perhaps the easier exercise would be to find who all didn’t get the freebie this time.

Contrary to us, the Indians no longer ask their government to fund them and have reportedly a 3 million dollar pool. They never invite politicos and instead concentrate on artists and themes of culture, peace and harmony. Clever lads and of course the Indian offerings are immensely popular and entertaining. Anyone expecting we will ever rise to that level should be sent to Raiwind to have their tops fixed. So while we, as is now the custom, looked pathetic, disorganised and riven apart, our neighbours came out with flying colours. The writing is on the wall but what’s the point since most of us can’t read. The present government has utter and complete contempt for the written word anyway which explains why they do everything they want to and then ask someone to cook up the paperwork. And if that’s not possible, it doesn’t really matter. Only idiots write and read papers. The new culture here which runs on verbal deals and crooked connections simply has no time or inclination for paperwork. That’s the bottom line except there’s no line. Just money.

And while we are at it, officials of the bankrupt frontier government were delighted to throw about Rs. 1.5 million for a two hour function in honour of the PM who was visiting Peshawar. He stayed for just an hour which comes to only Rs. 25,000 per minute. Not much actually. After all it was a question of the NWFP’s famous ‘Ghairat’ and honour, the two words women in Pakistan simply adore. One has no report of what actually happened at the function but you can be sure it must have had all the familiar trappings of sycophants pulling at one another to get closer (and be observed and rewarded) and the hundreds of officials without which our leaders can’t even lift a hand these days. Looking at all this, who could ever believe we are bankrupt and ready to be taken to the cleaners.