Serenading the Police

DECEMBER 1999 - The great thing about the Lahore police is that they do it in style. Of course they are not the only ones. All across the great province and indeed this great land, the police carry out their daily duties in a style that is unique and bears that special stamp of high quality. If there was an ISO 9009 surely the boys would have walked off with the award years ago.

Burdened with poor scripts year after year, the police have always strived to rise to new heights and set themselves new standards. It has not been easy but then the police force is hard working and proud of their track record. On the scripts they have not improvised too much, preferring to adopt the more traditional approach rather than take on some new fangled ideas which have not been fully tested. This is the way professionals would tackle the situation and we all know the police are pure professionals.

Their recent adventure which is actually a serial they have been running for over three decades if not more, is vintage stuff. A high profile witness, an accomplice of our world-famous serial killer, the good Javed Iqbal, is handcuffed and presented to half a dozen of the best of the Punjab Police. They and their specialists have already had a few friendly and mildly persuasive chats with the star witness. Since violence and torture have never been part of the great tradition that lives in the heart of every blue-blooded policeman, the police are merely reverting to the well accepted and civilized methods of interrogation, as practiced by their peers in other parts of the world. Although the police have long since believed that to fight crime you must also resort to crime and that to fight violence you must become violent, they avoid such barbaric methods, convinced that even the most hardened criminal will break under gentle questioning.

However, I must say that my heart goes out to the police because their best laid plans get shot to pieces for no fault of theirs. In the case that is now being investigated and which has already earned a few officers, rather abrupt transfers and arrests, disgruntled elements jealous of the pristine record of the force, have tried to put the blame on the police. In fact so diabolical is the plot against the boys that some have even suggested the witness jumped to his death with a helpful nudge from the interrogation party. This is a lie manufactured by those who wish to damage the fair name of the Punjab police and as such must be opposed by those who believe in the police – of which there are many, the Lord be praised. The truth is that the man being questioned was a known and established window jumper having jumped through every window he could lay his hands on. Witnesses who saw him drive his rickshaw to work every day swear that he would jump through the rickshaw window rather than get in the regular way. It was just one of those things but the man was an impulsive jumper if you know what I mean. The theory that there were enough men in the room to guard a ship load of criminals, is poppy cock because they were all busy at the time the man jumped. Some were brewing decaffeinated coffee for their guest and the others were sorting out cookies to go with the coffee. The witness saw the window which was two sizes too small for him but then people will be people and before the boys could say ,’Oops’ or whatever it is that the boys say at such times, he was gone, sailing right out of the second floor window. A safety net installed outside had been removed that very morning. Coincidence ? Well perfectly believable. A few cops on the ground floor tried to catch the human projectile, but having recently met the Pakistan cricket team, they dropped Mr. Billa who fell head first but thankfully didn’t damage the cement drive. And that’s the latest misfortune that’s dogging the police force.

Contrary to what some people will say, the Punjab Police are the sweetest boys you could ever imagine. Recently an ASI who stepped on an ant on his way to work was so mortified that he had to be hospitalized for ten days in the trauma section. The generally perceived macho image is just self protection against hostile and evil-intentioned individuals. There have been other incidents. An SP personally escorted an old couple home, who had lost their way. Not only that, he stayed behind and cooked them a hot dinner and would not budge till they had been safely tucked in. Of course the police is too bashful to publicise such events saying that they are simply rewarded by the trust and affection of the common people and that is good enough for them. It is also a well known fact though hardly ever publicized that almost the bulk of the force is simply spending its time helping the aged and the infirm cross roads. Those who have a little spare time are seen at charity dos lending a helping hand or two if required. From the top official to the lowest rung, the police force is perhaps the largest, single gathering of decent, God fearing people anywhere in the world. It is true that they deal with the underworld, but ask any crook (and all are reformed who come in contact with the police) and he will sing praises of his stay at any police thana. In fact so well established is this tradition that the Chief Executive has recently referred to it as ‘thana culture.’ What more praise can one expect or receive but the police has modestly refrained from making any comment. As usual, they are self effacing and modest to a fault.

The bizarre stories that circulate from time to time are all concocted lies. Any man with half a brain reading these stories about deaths in custody, shoot outs in deserted homes, killings in the fields or hundreds of tales of severe torture, are all figments of the imagination of our warped and twisted media who only want to sell more of what they are selling. Make no mistake. The boys in blue are angels of mercy sent to earth to guard over our lives and keep us safe and secure at all costs. The rest, as Mian Nawaz Sharif would put it, is ‘non sanse.’