Power play

MAY 1999 - I should have guessed Sethi was a RAW man years ago, when he presented me with a turnip. When I questioned its whereabouts, he shook his head and merely said it was raw. Now if that was not conclusive proof that the man was into raw vegetables, what other proof would one need ? However, I was naïve, I was foolish and I was trusting. A few years later, I was surprised to see the amount of raw vegetables at his house one evening when we were invited to dinner. Not quick on the draw in such situations, I was unable to reach the obvious conclusion. Much later in the evening I spied Sethi eating a raw carrot with much relish. Even then I did not see the obvious.

Instead of thanking the government for finally revealing the ultimate vegetable threat to the security of the country, half the population, misguided as usual, has gone to town with all kinds of wild accusations. This is extremely unfair. Our problem has been always the same which is why, we are always passing through a critical phase. We are unable to appreciate our kind rulers who are always working for our betterment and whose only concern is that we are in a perpetual state of happiness. If it is not bad enough that no one is properly appreciating our government’s fine attitude to this awkward problem, good old BBC has jumped in as usual causing more problems than ever before. BBC which was called Best Broadcasting Company when Mian Nawaz Sharif was in the opposition, has unfortunately like most things, changed for the worse. Aptly known as Basically Bloody Crap now in Islamabad, it has decided, casting aside all decent standards, that it is going to be on the side of the vegetables, the raw kind that is. This is most unfortunate and Minister Mushahid has rightly in his consistent and categorical fashion taken them to task – no, task is not the name of the latest rest and recreation facility set up by the ISI, sorry IB, sorry FIA, sorry CIA, sorry Federal Government, sorry Spooks Incorporated. The Minister has brilliantly exposed the BBC, and viewers are requested not to look as some of the scenes may not be suitable for general viewing. Of course, as expected, the BBC has disagreed with everything the Minister has consistently and categorically presented. They have even disagreed with the Minister’s story of a deep MI6 plot concerning the dubious visa application forms filed by their four man team to visit Pakistan. Instead they have taken the Minister to task which we all refuse to accept.

It is also hard to understand why everyone is complaining where Sethi has been taken. Why should it concern so many people is very mysterious. For one thing, he has been taken to Islamabad which is the most secure and safe place to live in, except Daman-e-Koh and the Prime Minister’s house. With more police than people, more files than flies and more spooks than Arlington Cemetery, Islamabad is the best place for raw vegetables. There is so much good security there that the UN has decided to hold its Security Council meetings in Islamabad from the next millennium. This is a real achievement for which we must thank our foot – in - the – mouth Ahmed Kamal. The reason we know Sethi is in Islamabad is that in the past week, another 56,000 cops and 44,000 plain clothesmen have been added to the security squadrons that keep our capital the wonderful place it is. The erection of 125 barricades in and around the city are clear indications that Sethi is in Islamabad. All those voicing concern that the government has abducted Sethi should be removed to the nearest shrink doctor facility so that these uncalled for and totally unjustified thoughts are forthwith erased. This is a government that loves the people and has a huge mandate from them. Parts of the mandate, so huge it is, now adorn the main boulevard in Gulberg Lahore and can be seen by all any time they wish to. Agreed that there was a little confusion in the beginning as to who had the honour of escorting Sethi on a fun trip to Islamabad but that is to be expected since so many were anxious to have that honour. All government organisations and bodies are constantly looking for ways to be of service to the people and while one or two bodies may have been asked to do the needful, it is not unlikely that quite a few jumped in. As for the dreaded “mid night knock”, this is a pack of lies. Firstly, the spook squad did not knock as falsely accused. Secondly, it was not midnight but 3 am. Simply amazing how every action of this innocent government is blown out of proportion.

What we all must understand is that the only thing better than authority is total authority. Our popular government is not in any panic as some have suggested. Neither is it over reacting to a silly BBC documentary, which we are unlikely to see anyway absorbed as we will be in the World Cup. Authority is a wonderful thing and nowhere is it flourishing more than in Islamabad. And why not ? In the capital of this country, when you are in power, it is spring all the time. You are surrounded by thousands of devotees whose only mission in life is to be of service to you. If you want to open a door, thousands of hands reach the handle before you can, thousands twist it and thousands push it open. Your every gesture is greeted with applause and your every word is heard with respect and profuse shaking of heads in full and total agreement. So many pearls of wisdom that flow from the leaders of the land are collected by supplicating generals, judges, bureaucrats and politicos. In a fairy tale like this, minor irritants like freedom of the press, fundamental rights and such other nonsense, finds, quite rightly, no response from those who rule the roost. And that’s the way it’s always been and always will be.