Other People’s Money

JUNE 2001 - Although largely irrelevant in the context of Pakistan, where most things are irrelevant in any event, an interesting situation had arisen early in June this year. The Public Accounts Committee – or PAC for those who can’t stand long names, had expressed a wish to examine the Senate’s accounts. The Senate, not used to such bad manners, told the PAC to go take a hike. Matters were simmering and were referred to the Law Ministry where everyone hoped matters would remain, in all likelihood, forever, so that civilized life could go on as before. That was early June and on the 20th of that blessed month, another saviour was born and this time, the Senate was told to take a hike.

Earlier, Senate officials had withheld financial records from the Auditor General’s office on the grounds that it being a ‘sovereign body’ – and you can add celestial to that line if you wish, it was far beyond such petty things as submitting accounts. The amusing logic running its full course maintained that because the Constitution (I suppose we should all spell it with a small c now that it’s reported missing), granted full financial autonomy to the Senate and the National Assembly (these too with small n and small a?), and gave unlimited powers to its royal chairmen and speakers to make or unmake any laws, therefore no body reasonably level headed could question anything that the Senate chose to do. Only people with coconuts for heads could. And as we all know, coconuts have no credibility being basically large nuts with a non-serious attitude to life.

There are of course many crackpots in Pakistan who continue to believe in such silly notions as accountability, justice, fair play, democracy, law and order – the list is long and rather pointless. The same people believe that Pakistan was created so that common folk could lead peaceful lives with dignity and honour, which just shows you how naïve people can be. The same demented thinking gives these people the wrong idea that bodies that exist because of public funding should be publicly accountable. This is as large a fallacy as the national debt which is the largest thing we have in the country – some go as far as to say that it’s larger than K-2, but personally I think K-2 is larger.

Spending public money is one of the great joys of holding any position in the country. The great thing about this, stems from the fact that although the money is not yours in the first place, you can still go right ahead and blow it on anything you fancy. A little bit of paperwork, though understandably irritating still has to be carried out, but by and large, it is smooth sailing thanks to the old and experienced hands who can make it look very easy or very difficult, depending who is at the other end. When it is one of your own, the world’s most complicated rules can be twisted as if they were made of willing rubber, so it is not difficult to believe that were you a useless official factotum suffering from say, flatulence, it would be minutes before you could be en route to Cromwell Hospital for a full check up. All expenses paid. Serious cases like infected toe nails would be rushed to John Hopkins in the US. Legislators with tooth aches, army brass with knock knees, judges with boils and fat lady wives with fat, strolled into the world’s most pricey health institutions, no questions asked. Now and then, a list would show up in the print media – PTV not being in the truth business, and there would be gasps of horror from the common folk who would give up counting the zeroes in the amounts that had been lavishly showered on the country’s elite. The ailments were amazing and most could have been fixed by a roadside quack if not a GP, but the money was there to be blown and so everyone dutifully did so.

Into all this walks in the Chairman of the Senate who was being probed – no, don’t get any funny ideas, by the PAC about 206 illegal appointments and 101 foreign junkets with his wife. Sounds like the score of the Pakistan team in a test match. 206 illegal appointments all of us can understand because mostly, all appointments are illegal. We have just had a rather large illegal one on 20th June but since the fountain of justice was administering the oath, you have little choice but to watch from behind windows, much like the animals in Animal Farm and do one thing all Pakistanis are so good at – wonder.

206 appointments have to be made because there are at least 206 people who have to be obliged because there are 206 people who obliged you and there are another 206 people who were in turn obliged by them – it can be a very confusing situation and most people can have a hard time following the plot. It’s the 101 foreign junkets that have me clutching the walls and nursing jet lag just thinking about it. Mr. & Mrs. Sajjad must be the world’s most intrepid travelers. Perhaps they can write a book about their experiences.

Imagine the bedlam that would break across the land if details are made public. Nothing would remain sacrosanct any longer. In fact the huge wall – the one in China is considerably smaller, that exists between those who have got it made and those who are never going to, must remain. If brought down, it would destroy the very principles on which the country totters. There is tranquility and a sense of purpose in maintaining the status quo because in a changing world, it’s nice to stay in power, bend rules, amass fortunes and have a ball - all free. Even McDonalds can’t meet that. What people don’t know won’t hurt them seems to be a principle that has found some wonderful practitioners in Pakistan where the art of polishing off the cream without disturbing the milk has been perfected by generation after generation. The armed forces – now there you have the perfect combination, arms as well as force, or in other words, no arguments but simple obedience, have had some great innings and the latest one looks promising.

When a man gets up and says that he has a mission to perform and the highest lawmaker says that he has a necessity to uphold, you might as well put on your pajamas and settle down. And against all this one wonders whatever has happened to the good men at the PAC who had the audacity to question the Roman Senate. Have they too been booted out? The question is rhetorical. Had they been around, the Chairman of the Senate would have flicked them away much like a fly out of milk. The army has simply relieved them of their misery and life can go on happily as before.