Mountains & Molehills

JUNE 2004 - At least one tourist has been sighted in the Northern Areas this year. That is a 100% improvement over last year. The boys at PTDC have been working hard after all. The lone tourist was not kidnapped, not tortured, not looted and not molested, which we understand is a new record. Earlier reports were confusing – some said that it was the Abominable Snowman, in this case minus the snow, but things were clarified later on. Understandably the locals can be forgiven for being confused. After all, it is sometime since they saw a tourist in the flesh so to speak. Tourism is alive and flourishing in the Northern Areas. That’s good news.

The current year which is half over has been dedicated to that great mountain, K-2, which has had the good fortune to rise in this part of the world. Had it existed in another country, it would have simply been ignored, but things here are different. Realising years ago that this was a unique mountain, we have subsequently promoted it in style. The year has rightly been dedicated to the mountain. I am sure it appreciates all the attention it is getting. It is a good thing the enterprising Defence Housing Authority boys haven’t thought of parceling out the land around K-2 and make money selling plots. However, while the dedication remains a mystery, the exact purpose of which is only known to those who have made the stirring declaration, the good thing is that half the year is blessedly over. With luck, the next six months will also pass without too much trouble. Before the summer monsoons completely soak us, there are bright chances that a seminar will be organized in Islamabad, at a safe distance from the mountain – no need to disturb the sleeping giant. Here, experts of various hues and textures, will gather and pontificate.

As we all know too well, pontification or ceaseless rambling without purpose is a gift, which is abundantly present in the hearts of all red-blooded Pakistanis. In Islamabad, the amount of pontification bundled with copious clouds of hot air, make each speaker and expert, a moving mountain of gases. Seminars bring out the very best in Islamabad. Some which have set the standard have been brilliantly inspired by subjects such as ‘mortality in young turnips’ and another one which established that the pollen-allergy that had afflicted everyone except the ISI was nothing but Mr. Jamali blowing his nose. Stirring subjects such as these have obviously made Islamabad a must-visit city for experts to converge upon and de-load. That has led to a marked increase in tourism as we all know. With luck, the glorious seminar on K-2, our fitting tribute to this piece of rock and ice, will be marked as a great achievement and service to the greater cause of tourism. Other than that, the mountain will continue to enjoy our grand patronage.

As for the rest of the fabled Northern Areas, there has been no end to the excitement in Gilgit city as curfew has continued to enjoy its flavour of the month success – some silly dispute about the syllabus – education never did anybody any good. Luckily, Section 144 finds little support from polo ponies so Shandur can have its polo party. We might have to beef up the tourist count by importing large numbers from Wana, apparently the destination that has all tourists enthralled these days. No doubt, a tribute to the exciting nightlife and wild parties Wana is famous for. Some say the day-life is pretty hair raising as well with foreigners popping up like bad pennies from every nook and cranny. Nek Byron, the charismatic young toughie should do a few promotional spots for Wana and get in more tourists once he is a little free from all the attention the government is lavishing upon him. Other than finding the tourists or foreigners as we like to tag them, there might be an additional problem of persuading people to fly to Chitral. The Fokkers, which are scotch-taped for safety purposes, have a nasty habit of coming unstuck at the most inopportune times. One of them decided to dump its landing gear this week. Had it not been for some farsighted Chitrali farmers who had abundantly irrigated the surrounding fields, the Fokker might have continued into the Kalash Valley, which the Kalash may not have found very amusing.

In the meantime folks get ready for New Murree. All systems are go. The City is going to be all the things Murree wasn’t, so cement blobs will be aplenty. The Punjab Assembly woke from its customary stupor earlier this month and passed a legislation that had to be measured on the speed gun. The gun was specially imported from Australia and after it was used in Lahore, Sh. Rashid took it to check the speed of his latest praise-speech for Gen. Musharraf. Speed-loyalty is the rage in the capital and is far more popular than speed-reading was during Mian Nawaz Sharif’s gourmet tenure. While the New Murree legislation has set a new approval record, breaking the 3-minute speed barrier with ease, tree lovers can rest easy. Reports doing the rounds confirm that there won’t be any trees in New Murree. Cement and fiberglass are good replacements and frankly more environmental-friendly. All trees do is mess the sidewalks and shed leaves. If we must have some trees, we should import date trees from Brunei. Date trees have recently been declared Pakistan’s official trees. The credit for this belongs to Mian Sahib who will be too modest to accept any praise. The happy Murree bill passed in Lahore had just one sour note. Apparently a disgruntled and obviously nutty legislator protested that some procedure should have been followed, the bill should have been advertised to seek public opinion (what is that?) and referred to a special committee before being rushed through the House. The man is out of touch with the dynamic laws of property and must be taken off the Assembly roster. Legislation, he must understand is for the dummies and leap before you think has been Islamabad’s policy for many years now. That and fast U-turns have impressed everyone around the world.

So there is much to be happy about. The budget has been successful in making no sense to anyone for which the Finance Minister must be thanked and Mr. Jamali is still securely insecure. Thank God no one has had to be removed from Sindh – the Chief Minister left purely for personal reasons and elsewhere, life is on a roll. Another underpass is ready, electricity plays hide and seek much to the public’ great amusement and glory be, the monsoons are here. What more can anyone ask for?