More Hot Air

MAY 2004 - The heat wave that’s exploded over the country in the last two weeks is not the only catastrophe that has overwhelmed us. While the poor are roasted day and night, skewered between nature that’s gone crazy and the various ‘escos’ – Lescos, Pescos, Rescos and what have you, that are supposedly in the business of supplying interruption-free electricity, the rich have sought refuge in early exits. Some to cooler climes, others to cooler bedrooms – as and when there is power. While we have been grappling with power failures on a scale that defies imagination, our new-friends, the Indians have coolly gone to the polls – over 350 million of them and turned the elections upside down, voting in Congress and voting out the BJP.

The contrast cannot be greater. Even as the Indian electorate was voting in, the government of Pakistan had come, more or less, to a complete standstill. In an operation, which should have been called, “Overkill,” the expenses and administrative turmoil of which we shall never have any details, the country’s sagacious leadership hit the panic button and kept it pressed down. From here to wherever you can go, there was nothing but the impending arrival of Shahbaz Sharif. Had King Kong decided to pound Lahore, the scale of preparations couldn’t have been higher. Politicians genetically incapable of making anything but low, grunting sounds, ranted and raved and held forth on variations upon a theme. Each one outdid the other in explaining at length what was it all about and what the impact would be on the country, its political future and the size of Shoaib Akhtar’s left toe. Others joined the chorus of confusion and added to it making every kind of statement to anyone who was listening. There were many who voiced their expert opinions especially when no one was listening.

Of the more active variety of species found roaming in the Margalla Hills, namely the highly polished dull brass and others in the ‘know of things’ like the ISI and other talented spook outfits, there was no shortage of hot air and wild and opinionated yorkers. As the country, already bored to death and frying at the center, took slow, long drags on the polluted air, it was further lambasted by the informed inside insight into the Sharif arrival. In what must have been a nightmare for the poor airlines that the Sharifs decided to patronize – they really should have their own by now, Mr. Shahbaz Sharif and party made bookings and cancellations at a rate closely matching Mr. Shahryar’s broken promises. Other than the Starship USS Enterprise, Mr. Shahbaz Sharif was rumoured to be buying tickets on any airline that was going east and had reportedly invested millions of his hard earned savings on buying tickets and paying cancellation charges.

On the great day, 11th May 2004, which was a red letter day in our history except that someone had run off with the paint, Mr. Sharif arrived, a bit worse for wear after the long flight from Heathrow and an unimaginable stopover of hours and hours at Abu Dhabi – he really must change his travel agents, to beloved Lahore. Hardly had he planted a wet, smacking kiss full on the lips of the motherland and the goon squad was upon him. Basically comprising those hulks that can prove that they are less intelligent than the average next-door turnip, they slapped some papers on him, which no one could read or understand. Then in a power move that would have won them the ‘sleuth of the year’ award, they took Mr. Sharif to a waiting plane and took off for Islamabad – or so thought the jet-lagged bleary-eyed leader of billions. When the usual jolts and bumps didn’t materialize as they do on all Lahore-Islamabad flights, he asked the question girls ask when they wake up in strange beds. When informed that they were bound for the Sharif Palace in Saudi, Mr. Sharif asked for ‘siri payai’ and called it quits.

While this B-grade drama was unfolding in the air, thousands were suffering on the ground. Men were stopped as far away as Wana if they looked half suspicious. In Wana everyone looks half suspicious on their good days and downright guilty on most, so the spooks had a great time catching the miscreants. In Lahore, now famous for prolonged power failures, thousands were held up in traffic and any amount were hauled up and thrown into the slammer. The citizens, who are used to asinine behaviour from the officials and know that like cabbages, they are all brain dead but are pretending to be alert, were mystified at the panic that had set in. An old woman was spotted praying for the safety of Sheikh Rashid. Others prayed for Ramiz Raja and all the forty six jobs he is doing at the same time. It was a time for the nation to unite. The Supreme Court, which had issued a bunch of statements, issued another and said that they were eating humble pie and everyone was invited to join in. But the Court has eaten humble pie so often that no one was ready to take up their offer. The Punjab Government was in a near state of advanced hysteria and therefore issued statements saying that they weren’t. The Chief Minister, drove to his war bunker at the Free Masons Hall complete with the usurped gate of the Lahore Zoo and began to direct operations from there. The inmates of the Hall were in a state of siege and when questioned said that this was so because they were all suffering from high tension and a siege mentality.

The Lahore Stock Exchange not always in the best of health suffered a breakdown as nervous investors traded heavily in steel, biryani, sugar and lassi, the four favourite stock options that the Sharifs traditionally utilised. Elsewhere people stocked up on food supplies and prepared for the long haul. Others filled up car tanks and emergency supplies and prepared for a quick exit out of Lahore should things get out of hand. By the time the Gulf Air flight was about to land, the Chief Minister and the entire Punjab Cabinet had been whisked away to an unknown but safe destination. An intelligence man explained that the CM’s security was their first priority. When questioned if Shahbaz Sharif’s arrival was likely to trigger off a revolution he drew a parallel with Imam Khomeni’s arrival in Tehran and said that the government was taking no chances. He also disclosed that the President had been whisked off on Air Force 1 to an unknown destination. The situation was under control he added. The high drama sadly never lived up to the hype that had been built around it. Just as the country was settling in for High Noon, The Guns of Navarone and To Hell & Back action, the switch took place and instead of an opportunity to serve his nation Mr. Sharif had to trudge back to dreary Desert Sands.

Some people compared the mental state of Pakistan, its leaders and its people with that of the Indians, who not only voted in Congress but brought in Sonia Gandhi and who without shaking the heavens with a thundering speech ala BB, simply declined the offer of India’s highest post. But most people felt that making comparisons was futile. They felt Ms Gandhi was a very foolish woman who should have grabbed the job and set up a few industries before her first year was up. Others said that the Indians had not learnt anything from the Pakistanis after so many years. Most Pakistanis however said nothing and carried on picking their noses.