Mister 90% Problem

MAY 1999 - The problem with the police here is that it's just too bloody decent for its own good. Maligned as they are daily by an ungrateful lot, they have chosen the more stoical approach to life. They are thus fully prepared to suffer in silence and be content and carry on with their duties.

This latest caper with Senator Asif Zardari and the case of the curious glass has tested the patience of our police force like nothing else has. Buffeted by a wily and cunning adversary who cannot be left alone for a mili second, the police have simply decided that they are here to cary out their duties, without favour, without rancour and with good grace. They have understood that while all kinds of aspersions and taunts will be flung at them, they will not deviate from their allegiance to the State and sterling qualities like fairness, truth, patience and goodwill towards all mankind.This is indeed admirable.

The truth is that the police is telling the truth. Mr. Zardari who is a sharp operator at all times was up to his old tricks long before he tried the glass-throat trick. Earlier in the day, he had tried to break his large toe by jamming it in the cell window grill, but that didn't quite work out the way he had planned it. A little later, he had unsuccessfully tried to break his index finger by insisting on doing advanced aerobics and propping up his body on his index finger. However, the index finger, no stranger to such tricks, refused to crack and the whole episode was a disaster. The police gently advised Mr. Zardari to instead calculate his returns from the various companies he owns. 'An index finger is a gift from the Almighty sir,' said a kindly policeman to the Senator. 'Why take out your anger on the poor little thing sir?' he asked with tears in his eyes. 'Watch it buster,' said Mr. Zardari poking a finger in his chest. 'Sorry to have caused you offence sir,' said the SHO and returned to the poem he was working on.

A little later, Mr. Zardari asked for water. Mineral water that is. The innocent and largely unsuspecting policemen who were basically there to ensure that all the creature comforts were being speedily provided to their honoured guest, simply rushed to get the Senator a glass of his favourite brand. Before they could say 'Dar's an oily cheat,' Mr. Zardari had slashed his neck and blood poured out from there. As the police force rushed to call emergency services, three of them simply fainted at the sight of the blood. Did I tell you that no policeman in Pakistan is genetically able to withstand the sight of blood ? It's true. Ask any under trial prisoner. These can usually be found six feet under at most police stations. However, a few hardy and veteran policeman leapt forward and gingerly held on to Mr. Zardari. One was gently rocking him to keep him calm and another was holding his hand. Others simply stood frozen not knowing what to do, but certain that this was not going to look good in the press. Did I tell you that the press here is against democracy and for dictatorship ? Also that it is on the payroll of RAW, RAP, RIP, RAN and RAT. Oh well it doesn't really matter.

Hardly had the police station recovered from this frightening and traumatic experience that there was another scare. As Mr. Zardari was being taken by the police to the hospital, he dodged the four escorts who were accompanying him and leapt in front of the police van hoping to get run over. Unfortunately for him, the van was standing still and therefore was unable to help the Senator carry out his nefarious plan, i.e. blame the police for running him over. Mr.Zardari quite obviously frustrated at his lack of success next grabbed a ball point from the pocket of the SHO and started stabbing himself everywhere, but the ballpoint broke after the third jab leaving Mr. Zardari even more angry. With gentle persuasion and affection, the police force led Mr. Zardari to the van and on to the hospital. Whilst there, he commandered a wheel chair and recklessly drove into a glass door. A diving SI managed to wedge his body between the wheel chair and the glass door. While the SI sustained grevious injuries, Mr. Zardari remained untouched. This made him mad with frustration. However another kindly SHO stepped in and spoke gently to him about the need for protecting the environment and the high regard for human dignity. The mention of environment seemed to soothe Mr. Zardari's nerves and he allowed the doctors to give him a check up.

Hardly had they started when he decided he wanted to go to the men's. Now here, most people would have understood the real motive behind Mr. Zardari's move, but trust our police to be such innocent silly billies. They happily let him in and in the next ten seconds, the man had grabbed his tongue between his two hands and placed it squarely between his teeth and then plunged them down. More blood. The police force having had their fill of gore and blood for the year simply bolted from the room. Thanks God (as they say here), there was a seasoned campaigner around who rushed into the loo after knocking of course and saved Mr. Zardari from further hurting himself. That's the situation as we go to the press. Now then what does all this lead to ?

The whole world's gone mad. Accusing the government of all things, casting doubt on the integrity and basic goodness of our beloved police force, not listening to our own Minister Mushahid Hussain but tuning in to that Satan channel, BBC and ignoring all reason and rationality. The police who are incapable of even hurting a fly - the last policeman who did this, refused to eat or drink for ten days, are clearly non-plussed. 'How could he do this to us after we treated him like a long lost brother?' was the view of most of them. In the face of mounting criticism from human rights group - a troublesome lot at the best of times, the media, the general public which is very short on common sense and the busy bodies who are always interfering in matters that do not concern them, the government has rightly adopted a position based on the three things they hold most dear. Truth, integrity and the rule of law. Hallehulliah ! Mr. Zardari is a trouble maker and clearly unable to appreciate how lucky he is to be in a country like Pakistan supported by a friendly government and a police force that has no parallel anywhere in the world.