Left Right, Left Right

SEPTEMBER 1999 - There is no doubt that wisdom and common sense have been the guiding lights that have helped the army authorities in making travel within Lahore Cantonment a fairly easy exercise. For this, the nation as always, is grateful, particularly all those for whom navigating through the cantonment was a torture. Those of you too busy calculating the latest GST – don’t worry Mr. Dar says it has no effect on the common man, this new and revolutionary piece of administrative science means that from now on, getting through the cantonment will be just as easy as getting a visit visa for the USA.

We will never know the name of the kind genius who first had the brainwave. They say it flashed upon him on the parade ground while he was shouting ‘left right, left right’. Usually brainwaves are not associated with brass buttons, but this was a wave that travelled through a very brilliant and organised brain, (of course with proper documentation and the right stickers) and came out at the other end in a flash. Its flawless logic runs as follows. To travel through or in the area known to all and sundry as Lahore Cantonment, you must have a sticker which is issued by the army authorities on submission of filled forms, photographs, a copy of the NIC card and the title of the last novel you read. (If you haven’t read any novel, you are disqualified). This is an extremely short and convenient check list which any citizen can accomplish without too much drill. Next, these documents have to be submitted to the concerned authority which is always very concerned. Once they, also known here as ‘the competent authority,’ check the particulars (by reading them upside down) and are satisfied, they will issue the magic orders that will mean trouble-free travel in the cantonment at all times. Easy peasy.

Some citizens are slightly baffled why the army has had to resort to this kind of high level counter-intelligence when the majority of the people who loiter through the cantonment are neither armed forces personnel, but their poorer cousins, the hapless civillians. But this is a minor point and is therefore only fit to be dismissed, or as they say it so well in the forces, DISMISSED. So there. Others who find it odd that most of the roads that criss-cross the area are mainly connecting densely populated areas with other areas, are obviously ignoring the fact that this is a matter of little concern to the authorities that be. Out of every million people who use these roads, at least 3 are in some way related to the defence of the country. That list includes the ‘dhobi’ as well. To learn how he is connected to the country’s defence, read Prof. Potter’s article in the Defensive Journal of March 1993. In any case, if people wish to be obstinate and use the cantonment to get from point A to point B, then that’s their choice. The army never forces them to travel in the cantonment anyway. Another minor confusion has arisen from the rather unbelievable fact that more civillians reside in the cantonment than fighting fit jawans of the armed forces. Firstly this is not true. If it is, that is alright and acceptable to the army which is also the civillian’s army. We might be well advised to rename the area altogether, shift the airport to the other side of the Ravi, close down all the civillian-run businesses, throw out all the infernal civillians who continue to live, build homes and rent others in this area, and take other equally benign steps to make sure that the right parity is restored in double quick time. However there’s really no need for all this.

Knowledgeable circles maintain that the move has been triggered off by an increasing epidemic of thefts, car-lifting, eve teasing and general breach of good public behaviour. This is probably true and the best way to fight such a situation is to restrict movement. This forces those with sinister designs to move to other areas and we all know car lifters will own up to anything but the name of the last novel they read. In other words, they will never get a sticker made and will slither off in some other direction like slimy Gujjar Singh where crime can be practised easily. Crime rates can thus fall in no time at all. Of course it is hard to predict what would happen were they to show up with an NIC card, and the name of the last book they read, obtain a sticker and then commit a crime. But that is a remote possibility. We all know that if you have a sticker on your car, it will not be stolen. All the cars that have been stolen so far – and one source says their number runs into higher figures than the cars not stolen, suffered from one flaw. No stickers. Now, the army has solved that tricky problem in brilliant fashion. We also know that the possession of an NIC card has a soothing effect on young hooligans who will treat even a strumpet with the respect reserved for saints. This theory has been tested again and again and is more reliable than the submarine at Fortress Stadium which you should avoid getting into. It hasn’t sailed for a while.

Personally I think it’s a great scheme whose time has come and rabble rousers like Aitezaz Ahsan who have been pleading for a re-think should be ignored. The only think that works the other side of Mian Mir bridge is a think tank particularly if you are an Armoured man and we know what tanks can do, the thinking kind that is. What baffles me however is why the army has let the civillians play havoc with what was their territory. The British built the cantonments to separate the natives from the rulers and that is a distinction which is more relevant and visible now than it was when the British were here. All armed forces personnel know civillians are bad news, so why let them in ? Now they are everywhere like rats, running businesses, owning properties and sharply adding to the crime graph. Once Ops Sticker is underway, it might be a good idea to simply refuse entry to all civillians – Ops Eliminate Civies. I’d say, do it and put them in their place, which in this case should be at least five miles north of the railway line.