Happy Times

AUGUST 1999 - There is no doubt that none of us has been able to guess what has led the Punjab government in Lahore to mount one of the greatest excavation operations since man learnt how to pick his nose. It has mystified the most loyal of the government’s supporters as giant bulldozers and men in khaki have swept across this city and simply pulled everything down. This has been going on for months and there seems no end to it. Surely the whole operation is not to widen one or two silly roads is what the average Lahori has wondered, but with official explanations virtually non-existant and the government very tight lipped about it, speculation has been at an all-time high.

As almost always, the explanation is so simple even a toddler might have guessed it. However since toddlers are far too occupied practising ‘ga,ga’ or ‘goo, goo’ sounds (and making a royal mess of it too), we have been in the dark till now. The toddlers have been no help. It has now been learnt at the highest levels – at least six inches our mole informs us, that led by a dedicated team (all teams in Pakistan are dedicated except the cricket team), the Chief Minister has been on the search for oil reserves in the fair city of Lahore. Now that may seem a trifle far-fetched to some of you, but banish the doubts. The fact is that the city is oozing with hidden reserves of oil waiting to be discovered. Should we find it- and there is good reason to be optimistic, it will mean a whole new ball game. Alright, betting and match-fixing is bound to walk in at the same time, but there is nothing the new Ad Hack PCB cannot do.

Whatever gave us the idea that there are rivers of oil flowing under what we erringly refer to as the Main Boulevard is as simple as ABC, or CBA if you are into advanced linguistics. There is no earthly reason to believe that the above supposition is off the mark. In fact, since no one was able to answer the CM’s enquiry demanding one good reason why he could be convinced that there was no oil, he arrived at the happy conclusion that there was. That being the happy disposition of the government of the day (don’t forget the nights), the rest was to get earth moving equipment and start moving earth. The plan called for digging up at more than one site, because at that stage no one quite knew where the oil strike could be. Akbar S. Ahmed was asked but he was busy editing, so some senior geologists were questioned who said that it oil could be found under the petrol pumps on Jail Road. They were razed overnight, but all they found there were some used raffle tickets. Elsewhere, feverish digging and felling of trees produced nothing remarkable. At this point, another senior official suggested that oil had a particular affinity with date palms both known to flourish in sand (read oil). Duly, date palms were imported and stuck here, there and everywhere, but this resulted in nothing spectacular other than scenes of well-oiled Lahoris gaping in bewilderment – a nice picture but not exactly barrels of crude rushing forth.

Till the time of going to the press, the search continues. No locality has been missed in the great search, but based on the advice of another senior planner that Gulberg was the logical place for oil since the rich reside there, it should receive the most attention. The current focal point has been the Liberty Market where under wraps, secret excavations have been going on for months now. Originally the idea was to mount a huge ice lolly rising spectacularly into the skies with the immortal words ‘Life Sucks’ in neon letters flashing day and night, but that brilliant idea was dropped. Instead, all kinds of shapes and monuments have been tried and the latest, a midget’s version of Shalimar Gardens has come up, complete with balconies. So far it has not produced any oil, but there’s lots of water coming up and an expert has divined that where there is water, there’s bound to be oil. He has hinted that Tarbela Lake may not be a bad place to dig under, a brilliant proposal which was sent to Skardu along with a plane load of Shabdeg last week, but is now stranded there (not the Shabdeg thanks God which made it back safely), the Prime Minister having decided, sadly, not to hold the cabinet meeting in Skardu after all. Pity.

For Lahoris who are used to all kinds of mad things, the search for oil is quite logical. They are also aware that if nothing else, they can look forward to a few weeks of happy boating coming up when the deep trenches dug everywhere would be perfect for a good sail. In some areas it may even be possible to indulge in some white water rafting and bungee jumping off the Sherpao bridge is now a distinct possibility.

On a final note, there is a great big silver lining to this search. Since it is now customary to call a spade anything but, even if there is no oil at the end of the next century, there will be enough people available who will be happy to look at a fountain and swear that it is oil. As the new PCB Chairman pointed out last week, proof is hardly necessary when determining the truth. All one needs is to be convinced, like the man who bought the Eiffel Tower the second time when it was already sold. Given the fact that Mr. Aslam Khattak of the Senate has managed to turn a murder into honour and made the guilty look innocent and vice versa (mostly vice here), the Kargil folly has become this dying century’s most celebrated case study for peace – we know who truly deserves the Nobel Prize for Peace, and the brilliant exposition by that darling of a man in Islamabad, Mr. Dar who has informed a happy nation that raising petroleum prices will not affect the common man (since he would have been wiped out long before), can there be any doubt that we are about to hit oil ? Last month, PIA passengers arriving to take their Kathmandu to Karachi flight were informed there was no flight because there was no plane. When questioned, they were told it was serving the souls of their excellencies who were on yet another Umra special. The next flight out they were told was three days away. In answer to their screams, the PIA official examined his fingernails – he had tried a new manicure that week, and sauntered off. We all live in hope.