Freedom of Movement

AUGUST 1997 - Well there’s good news at last. They have finally decided that women cannot dance after all. This should take care of all the die hard liberals who are always telling us about silly things like freedom of movement and other equally silly freedoms. It is quite appropriate that this should happen almost on the stroke of midnight as we all get ready to celebrate the GJ (Golden Jubilee).

For those who are wondering (a pursuit that has not been outlawed so far) what freedom of movement is at stake here, rest assured it is not about Shias not being free to go out of Jhang or Sunnis not being free to go outside Gujranwala. Both sects it is now clear are at the mercy of hidden hands who are visible all the year round. Calling them hidden must be very insulting for them, the hands that is. Hands too have feelings you know. In fact the popular theory doing the rounds is that it is the Sunnis who are killing the Sunnis and the Shias killing the Shias, both with the connivance and active support of the law and order (another brilliant euphemism) agencies. Of course this is as absurd a theory as there ever was and should be given no credence. Were one to believe it, one would then have no choice but to believe that all proclaimed and not-so-proclaimed offenders are never shot in the back by the diligent cops. They are always shot from the front but at the last minute, out of scorn for the cops, they turn their back on the arriving bullets. However this is all poppycock and nothing to do with the freedom.

One has it on god authority that Islamabad has finally decided that women dancing should not be allowed any more. This is the best news we have heard since we discovered in the time of the gentle dictator, Mr. Zia ul Haq, that we were, after all, Muslims. As the nation bowed in gratitude at this startling but significant discovery - some said it was an invention, we all thanked the Lord God for gifting us this wonderful leader who had opened our eyes to this beautiful reality. Attendance in mosques increased. It was now possible to bump off praying Muslims without any problem at all since they invariably had their backs to the friendly folk with the firearms. Shot in the back got another lease of life, so to speak. All this means we are going round in circles, but then what else is freedom of movement ?

Kishwar Naheed, not to be confused with Naheed Annie-get-Your-Gun Khan, who is the current diva of arts without much current, rivers being notoriously low this year, had some vague plans of asking Nahid Siddiqui to dance in the capital on 6th September. Must have been one of those homage things. Before Nahid could say ‘Holy Cow’ or other such expressions one utters when given such news, there was a slight movement (all this being about movement, remember ?) and lo and behold the word came via the telephone from the new order at the Ministry of Information that dancing of women in public functions was banned. Now this being a country where there is a theory before there is a conspiracy, one is quite prepared to believe (another activity that is still allowed) that perhaps the Ministry said no such thing. How could they, this being the age of enlightenment with a government in power after a stunning sweep at the polls. But happily the news is true and dancing is off. So far, it is not in writing but surely Islamabad is inventive enough to come up with a way. Who can forget the admirable former prime minister who devised the stick-on yellow notes to every file that was programmed to move ? And they say she had no brains. Tut, tut.

Now that the ban is there so to speak, what happens for instance to the Pride of Performance award that was bestowed on Nahid by the government not so long ago ? Since it was not given to her for standing still, what is she to do with it ? Well she can chuck it in the general direction of Islamabad but how can she without moving ? Remember all movement is banned. Beats me how she can do it. Perhaps she will find a way. She is after all a very creative person. Now that this silly business is taken care of, can we please also move legislation to ban women from making any movement at all, which at last will stop Asma Jehangir from doing all those crazy things she goes on doing. With our women permanently immobilized, the Ummah can march on, provided somebody will tell them where to go. Towards the Arabian Sea is one suggestion. As for Kishwar, well she should be happy this ban has taken place under her stewardship. She was the one who once made Nahid dance on a carpeted floor and instantly won the admiration of all Kathak freaks. Last night they had this long dance thing on PTV, part of the celebrations and there it was, living proof if ever one needed it. All it showed was men, men, men, men dancing with men, men, men. That’s the way it should be. So all those males out there who have two legs and no brains, let’s rip it up and have a....er ball.