Curtains at Alhamra

JANUARY 1999 - I think one of the most original shows to take place in Alhamra Hall II was last week when the roof decided it had had just about enough and caved in. That it chose to do so during the morning hours is also quite appropriate because as far as I, or most other people can recall, there never has been an event here which ever brought the house down any night. In a country where most of us are no longer prepared to read the writing on the wall – several walls I might add, the roof caving in is a befitting obituary to the decline, death and final elimination of the performing arts. If I remember rightly, such was the noble objective for which Nayyar Ali Dada was commissioned many years ago. That no such arts were ever allowed to pollute the atmosphere, speaks well of the country’s culture vultures. The Alhamra halls have been barren for years. It’s good the roof came down, not because of a flawed design or poor maintenance, but perhaps simply out of remorse.

And now, the curtain has risen gloomily on the post-fall scenario, as quickly and with admirable dexterity, the blame is being tossed from hand to hand and body to body. As is expected, those who were supposed to maintain the building, never maintained it. If they did, the first thing they made sure of was a good and healthy violation of the stipulated procedures, for don’t we all know that only the mentally deranged follow any rules at all. Everyone else, simply breaks them. Given the Alhamra’s legendary haughtiness and the brash attitude of its janitors who strutted about as schizophrenic roosters, it should come as no surprise to anyone that whatever rules were laid down were rarely observed.

Now, as Nayyar Ali Dada rightly moans that he was never consulted, who is listening anyway ? If he was not called except to attend those interminable and boring seminars, how could he, or any professional know what they were loading on to the ceilings. If the design was flawed, why was the thing passed and approved to begin with ? And who approved it ? As we all know too well, there is always a large committee for the most mundane of tasks. A task force, as any Pakistani will tell you is a force without a task and usually no force either. There must have been a huge one for seeing that the roofs stayed on the roofs. And as in all matters related to the Alhamra, the city commissioner was always the undisputed and well-crowned king of that cultural empire. So what happened ? Well don’t hold your breath. If we can swallow the entire contents of the Hamood ur Rehman commission without even belching, what’s a puny little arts council building ?

The truth of the matter is that apart from a few exceptions, the two cultural complexes have done precious little to raise the standards of either the performing arts or theatre. The one on the Mall when not feeding the rotund shapes of the country’s political mafia – they had taken to partying here, has largely been the home of sleazy and vulgar comedy shows where every single line uttered, has a double meaning, if not three. The comedian Benny Hill in one of his skits stated with a very straight face that he always believed an innuendo was an Italian suppository. Well he should have bought a ticket to one of those comedy things where the jokes are, and always have been, sex-related. They have the men in stitches. The women, as in most other public places, simply squirm and pretend not to be there, something at which they have become very good. Strangely, or to be honest, not strangely, the Alhamra censors came down heavy on any English production, excising scenes and dialogues where only they could decipher obscenity and lewdness. Many school and college productions had teachers and directors running from one idiotic clerk to another, getting the scripts approved. Even then, last minute cancellations were and still are, very much the done thing and the only safety always has been to have the Lat Sahib on your side. Between theatrical activity, there were the seminars and memorial meetings and awards to any amount of Pakistan Freedom Movement workers, who bless their dear little hearts continue to emerge out of the woodwork with amazing regularity. We may run out of natural gas one day, but it is now an established fact, that we will never ever run out of freedom movement workers. Here, governments of the day bestowed awards and gold medals on them and Chief Ministers, Governors and Prime Ministers made stirring addresses to audiences in fairly advanced stages of mental fatigue. As has been the hallowed tradition at the Alhamra, the first God knows how many rows, are eternally reserved for that obnoxious Pakistani throw up, the VIP. No amount of reasoning has ever convinced the authorities at Alhamra that they have no right to these rows particularly when the halls have been paid for – but then like the roof repairs, who was ever listening ? Book fairs where no buyer ever got a real deal were the other popular uses to these buildings as were painting and photographic exhibitions of artists of very dubious talents.

Since we screamed our way into this world over 50 years ago, we have systematically slaughtered anything remotely resembling culture. I have a private theory that the death of agriculture is a case of mistaken identity since it’s unfortunately close to culture. Now that the roof has come crashing down, my advice would be to stop further examination of who or what caused the end. The roof is down. Let it stay like that. It is quite a poignant reminder of the debris that our culture looks like today. As for the other halls, I think we should wait. We will have our answers soon. Who said that the gods have no sense of humour ?