Buddha Leftovers

MARCH 2001 - So the two Buddhas have been successfully dynamited, rocketed and bazookad by those fun loving chaps in Afghanistan, the Talibans and we can all stop speculating and get back to whatever it was we were doing.

It is hard to understand what the uproar has been about. Half the world was issuing appeals and the other half was making hard cash offers and launching all kinds of improbable schemes about carting away the two giant statues. The Taliban, quite rightly were not at all impressed and proceeded about their task in a manner that can only be described as exemplary, stopping only briefly to slaughter the three remaining camels still roaming around in Afghanistan. That business having been sorted out, they resumed their task and announced to a waiting world that they had successfully reduced to rubble the two eyesores of Afghanistan.

As anyone who bothers to observe, the Taliban, as always are on the right track – never mind where the track goes. While it is not hard to understand that their actions have caused gnashing of teeth and tearing of hair around the world, the Taliban simply had no use for the two mammoth stone figures. For starters, any member of the faithful – and most are members, the others having passed away mysteriously, can see in the statues a hindrance to carrying out the compulsory obligation of saying prayers. There is strong evidence that residents of Bamyan had complained recently that the statues were in their way every time they went into prayer mode - as reasonable a request as anyone can make under the circumstances. There was little else that could be done like asking the holy prayer party to move elsewhere, so the dice was loaded against the statues except of course that no dice was actually used – that item not currently popular.

There is also the rather important matter that seems to have escaped everyone’s attention. The two offending statues were bare legged and as such repugnant to the spirit of Islam as it floats in the land occupied and justly ruled by the happy go lucky Taliban. The legs could have been draped but large pieces of cloth, or for that matter, small pieces of cloth are a trifle hard to obtain these days in Afghanistan, most stock having been used up to bury the departed – their numbers having risen mysteriously over the past few years.

Now when it comes to bare legs, the Taliban are not amused and anyone who has a short memory need only recall the football team from Kandhar which offended the public, the opposing team, the referees and the Taliban leadership when they took the field in shorts, triggering off what could only be termed as a short circuit. In order to save the nation’s morality, the Vice & Virtue squads or Virtue & Vice squads as they are affectionately called sometimes, rightly confiscated the entire football team including the football - luckily it was not imprisoned (the authorities having rightly determined that two footballs can be deemed offensive, but one football is another matter). Having shaved their hair off – the team’s, not the footballs, they arrested them or perhaps vice versa – the emerging details are not clear. Why the Kandhar team had to do a foolhardy thing like turning up in shorts when even camels and donkeys in Afghanistan are ordered to wear robes that sweep the streets, is of course a mystery but when clapping with both hands is already outlawed as an evil activity designed to mislead the nation, bare legs can raise a storm. If only those who built the Buddha statues had thought of covering them from head to toe, none of the rocking and rolling that’s been going on in Bamyan would have been necessary.

At the same time, it is pertinent to pause for a while and think level headedly about the two statues. As relics go, they are not much to write home about. Firstly they are too large and ungainly and while most Afghanis would be happy to see large things, like loaves of bread or even buildings with at least a quarter of the glass panes in place, the two large stone things don’t do much. They are in any event far too disfigured to make any lasting impression. The statues have no noses, eyes and cheeks and if by some miracle they do, there are arms missing and the feet hardly ever show up intact. How such stone things can inspire, is beyond me and apparently beyond the intelligence of most Afghans. No wonder, Afghans would rather observe a lollypop – no the rumours are not true. Lollypops are not anti-state activists or even crazy anarchists, than two boring and rather lifeless statues. In any case, the rubble collected from the now deleted figures, can be used to build a few structures, which can inspire the public to reach for glory and attain bliss. The current list of approved structures aiming to please is not known since Mr. Moin (Mr Moan?) Haider’s last visit, but it is understood that he list does contain such edifying things as bunkers, latrines and garbage dumps. Frankly were even five such structures to go up with the Bamyan leftovers, we all would be happy and even UNESCO might be tempted to commission a research paper on it one of these days.

It would also not be unreasonable on our part considering that we are amongst the first three nations to recognize the Taliban, to ask the legendary forces which wasted the Buddhas, to extend a helping hand here as well. We may not notice them any more, but we have some eyesores as well, among which can be counted the Governor Houses where single occupancy is very much the order of the day. Perhaps the Taliban, with their advanced technology could help us erase the Chagai Hills, proof of our nuclear brilliance and who knows, if we fire their imagination, they could get rid of the Minar e Pakistan as well and save future generations from further embarrassment. In fact, we could send a delegation to Mulla Omer and seek his help in demolishing whatever is left of Taxila, Harappa, Moenjodaro and other equally meaningless structures and whatnot that are occupying land and serving no useful purpose. New abattoirs could be a welcome addition and Mr. Omer seems to be well inclined in that direction since he has ordered the slaughter of 100 cows as penance for the delay in eradicating the offending Buddhas. This is indeed visionary stuff and needs to be applauded – oops sorry applause with two hands is not allowed.