Arrivals & Departures

JANUARY 1998 - There was a time when newspapers used to publish a useful column called ‘Arrivals & Departures’. It gave you instant information who was coming to town and who was leaving. In other words, I could always know when my friend, Dr. Parvez Hassan was on his way in from Bonn or on his way out to Rio. It is a pity the column is gone because the Pakistan Cricket Board (or is it Bored given its indifference to what’s happening to the game) could have put it to good use, since they might as well publish the names of the current players on a daily basis.

There is now sufficient evidence to indicate that either the Pakistan cricket team takes its cue from the arriving and rapidly departing governments of Pakistan or vice versa, more vice than versa if you ask me. Frankly I can’t tell the difference between the two and the whole thing has me flummoxed. We have had eight cricket captains between Mr. Abbasi and the taciturn MJK and in the same period, give or take a year, eight prime ministers. The cricket captains have been despatched with the same ruthless ease as the prime ministers. While Mr. Ghulam Ishaq Khan or better known as Issac the Snake, swatted the odd prime minister over long on, the all-powerful Board did the same with shell-shocked captains. The only luckless ones in this bizarre drama seem to have been the vice captains who have remained exactly where they were while all around them, captains rose and captains fell.

To add to the stew, there have been the managers, tour managers, selectors and their selectors. These too have crowded the pitch much in the fashion of PIA’s outcasts, the revenue paying passengers, who seem to spend more time on the ground than air. The long line of managers were only succeeded by the most vicious stories about their gross mishandling of the teams, but when they were appointed, they were hailed by the authorities as the best men for the job. Some were sacked before they were appointed - no I exaggerate, but some were getting the boot while still holding the job. Their reports were never made public so no one knew who was lying, who was cheating, who took the dope, who molested the blonde and who stole the hotel towels. If the team won, all was well. If it did not, someone else was to blame. The buck, in Pakistan’s cricket sewage, has always moved with remarkable agility.

The cricket board, for that is what we have to call the wretched thing has also had its presidents whose primary qualification was to know next to nothing about cricket. While the team bounced from one scandal into another, the presidents made hay with foreign tours galore, where they wrangled invitations from unwilling and unhappy hosts, then added their wives, daughters, sons and grand children in for the freebies. Some luminaries fell off their chairs at ICC meetings, the result of too much wine at lunch. Others squeezed first class tickets from the board, and added the wife ‘to look after me’. Millions were squandered but no one ever knew who was stealing from whom. Each board declared it was making millions, but when replaced, the nation would learn that the board coffers were as empty as the CEO’s head. Enquiries, the great Paki cop out, fizzled out always.

If there isn’t enough mess all around, there are the commentators and experts, selected through wire pulling of the most base kind. One wonder recruited from PIA, has evolved a language that must be making Arlott turn in his grave. It goes something like ‘Akrama a-he acana a-really a-bowla a-verya wella awitha a-the olda aballa, a-buta a-he a-shoulda attacka a-Lara ona a-the offa side-a.’ Why is he in ? Because he doesn’t know commentary from shoe shine. But he does know the right people. Others are in, since they publish rags and praise the board officials. Others fawn and recite poems, sneak on the ‘enemy’ and snitch without shame. They too are in.

Into this nauseating melting pot, enter Rashid Latif, the new captain. Don’t ask which one, because I have lost count. He is eminently qualified, since he was not the last vice captain. He’s been out of cricket, abandoned a foreign tour mid way and been controversial. So, hey, why not make him the captain ? Brilliant. Wasim Akram ? Remember him. Well, would you believe it, the man’s unfit. Yup. Frozen shoulder. But hold it fellas. He says he will be fighting fit within a week. Sorry we didn’t hear that. In the mean time, if you are in the squad tonight, you may not be next morning. If you are scoring hundreds, you are definitely jeopardizing your chances. The game of cricket is unpredictable, but those who are running it, deserve a place in the book of wonders. Never have so few, done so much harm. Result ? They will rise even higher, win awards, wear medals, make money and have fun. And cricket ? What the hell is that ?