Anthro-Panthro Power

NOVEMBER 1999 - The appointment of Mr. Jinnah’s saviour, Dr. Akbar S. Ahmed as Pakistan’s High Commissioner to the land of strawberries and cream hasn’t exactly sent a cheer across the countryside. Our countryside, that is. I can’t say what the Brits are thinking, if at all they are. While the selection of the cabinet has not been a momentous event, which leaves people gasping, the news of Dr. Ahmed has been a real body blow.

Of course it hardly matters to the bulk of the people who gets to London. It is not a burning issue like accountability or the other diseases which afflict this 52 year old nation still struggling at the cross roads. In fact come to think of it, when did it ever leave the crossroads? The winner of that question gets to see Jatti Umra next weekend. High Commissioners are not part of the daily grind here and had Ms Lodhi been dispatched to London and the good doctor to Washington D.C. it wouldn’t have a catastrophic event, but it does shake one’s already shaky confidence that this has been an unwise decision. I agree that his predecessors haven’t exactly set St. James on fire. There was Mr. Wajid Shamsul Hassan of the mysterious mango crates fame and there was Mr. Riaz Samee who we hear seeks political asylum. Bravo. Into this scenario, enters Dr. Akbar S. Ahmed. Anthropologist, civil servant ala Carte, author, professional traveler, Islamic scholar, filmmaker, fundraiser, historian, etc, etc. He is also a consummate public relations specialist and anyone who has seen Dr. Ahmed working will vouch for his savvy handling of situations where he always emerges smelling roses. He is generally held in great awe here because few ever take the trouble of digging into the many cardboard personalities we prop up with monotonous regularity. Without doubt, Dr. Ahmed is a one-track person whose great desire is always to keep himself on the main track.

When he ruled the lair in hot Sibi many moons ago where he discovered a correlation between animal droppings and cultural negativism, a young band of civil servants on a tour of the area had to make a social call on the man himself. A friend who was part of the touring party of a dozen or so young men arrived at the Commissioner’s House – I will not describe it; we all know what they look like, and found a huge ‘shamiana’ with ‘shadi’ chairs all laid out in the lawns. Assuming rightly that these may have been part of a large public ceremony later, they ignored the sight and were presently ushered in with due protocol before his lordship. However before introductions could begin, the astonished party was led out and made to occupy the front row under the ‘shamiana’. The Commissioner then arrived and sat on the stage whereupon the officers were formally presented to him and he was formally introduced to them (an idea the Commissioner had tactfully made to the ‘leader’ of the group). He then made a speech about whose contents I have absolutely no doubt. This drama amused and shocked the young officers who were to remember it years later. Even at that early stage, Akbar S. Ahmed already had his priorities worked out.

However anthropology was the rope trick, which led him to assume the mantle of a sage, and which kept him cosily tucked away in England where he managed to literally (and physically) occupy the Iqbal Chair at the Cambridge University. Most people can be forgiven for thinking that occupying this prestigious position is a culmination of years of dedicated and selfless work. It is a position funded by the Pakistan government and Akbar S. Ahmed simply had himself permanently posted to it. As long as he was there, no one else had any chance to even get within a mile of it. I have no idea whether the good doctor still hangs on to it since I have heard through jungle drums (another anthro item) that he was made to relinquish it. Subjugating the Cambridge Chair and his virtually permanent residence in England has always made me wonder if anyone knows precisely what is the good doctor’s status professionally that is. Is he still in the Civil Service and drawing a salary? Is he on a kind of eternal deputation? Does the government both finance him in his capacity as a civil servant and as a researcher of sorts? These are questions I admit that are just as vague as the various theories Dr. Ahmed has handed down to this nation of anthro-apologists, but you can be rest assured that he has worked out a nice little deal for himself.

However the learned doctor’s time has been taken up recently with his mega production of the life and times of Mr. Jinnah. There hasn’t been a project, which has had so much hype and so little substance. The film has had more ‘openings’ and ‘previews’ than you can count on an advanced calculator, the kind the tribes of Balochistan were using before Alexander the Great became Alexander the Great. I stopped counting when the film’s official premier was postponed for the umpteenth time. Somehow the good doctor and his band of financial do-gooders cannot seem to finish the project. I am unable to understand this. If they can successfully finish off Mr. Jinnah, why can’t they do the same with the wacky film they set out to produce? We heard at one time that all was ready for a screening on 23rd March, which in case you are wondering is Pakistan Day. Then it was 14th August which is Independence Day (in case you missed the point) and now 25th December which is the birthday of Jesus Christ, Mr. Jinnah and Mr. Nawaz Sharif or as Mr. Mushahid Hussain (remember him?) used to put it so well, Wazireazammianmohammadnawazsharif. Perhaps it may not be a bad idea if Dr. Ahmed could screen the epic on Gen. Pervez Musharraf’s birthday instead, a thought, which I am sure, has already crossed his teeming mind. About the ‘epic’ I will not say more. It has had its share and then some more of scathing criticism. The good intention of the people aside, Mr. Jinnah’s personality is not the kind that puts celluloid on fire. There are many, many ways of paying respects to the great man. A half-cocked silly venture of the kind Mr.Ahmed took up is basically flawed. On top of it, the concept is half-baked and quite ridiculous. Mr. Jinnah is put in the dock from the first scene and goes on answering allegations till he is let off the hook by an angel representing the forces of cholesterol. Ye gods have mercy on us. Who made Dr. Ahmed into a film director is as silly a question as any. There is nothing he can’t do.

What he will do for Pakistan while he sits in London I have no clue about, but don’t be surprised if you hear stories of how he is using his position to further his interests, which now extend far beyond the sands of Sibi.