Will he, Won’t he ?

MARCH 2000 - In the past few weeks it is clear both India and Pakistan have done precious little other than bad mouth each other and vie blatantly for President Clinton’s favours. The amount of government-sponsored initiatives from both countries aided by diplomatic onslaughts and use of political lobbyists to ensure that the US President does or does not visit one of the two countries, must surely rank as a farcical exercise.

We all know and understand that neither country can sneeze without first asking the US for permission, us even more than the Indians. The reasons are not hard to find or only visible to those who match Einstein’s brilliance. All year long, and for all the years we and India have been in perilous existence, we have stood in glistening starched army uniforms, three piece suits or the regulation shalwar-kamiz-sherwani outfits, with our begging bowls stretched out. Our leaders have assaulted Washington year after year, in great style and begged. Begged and begged for support, money, arms and advice not necessarily in that order. While the Indians may have shown slightly more dignity and restraint, we have always thrown caution to the winds and bent over backwards to gain the temporary favour or advantage. From Prime Ministers to Presidents to elected or result-manipulated leaders of the people, we have towed the line and stood outside the gates of Washington, in stretch limos of course. At the same time, we have (and that includes both Pakistan and India) not wasted a single opportunity to pull the American leadership or its policy makers, right down into the gutter calling them all manner of things depending on which way were looking at that particular time. Our foreign policies have been as thin as rice paper and our assertions of fierce independence as hollow as tin pots, but it has not prevented us from yelling, screaming and mostly cowering to the Americans.

As far as we are concerned, making the customary noises against American policies, surely amounts to little more than standing against the wind and doing what most of the natives do here, sitting down. The results are not unpredictable. We seem to thrive on a love-hate relationship with America, on our knees or whimpering in gratitude, displaying the same abject lack of national spirit or dignity. As for the Americans, surely the overriding viewpoint must be one of amusement at our antics. Our former Prime Minister, whose famous brother was having a well-deserved nap in the afternoon while his government was falling like paper maiche nine pins, was in America asking for all manner of last minute favours, which included a political bailout, protection from his own army, general endorsement of his visionary policies and of course, a photo opportunity and a shopping spree on 5th Avenue. Whether hot dogs were also pleaded for, one cannot say but there were stories that the Prime Minister desired desperately to see a real grizzly bear, which the polite and helpful Americans regrettably were unable to arrange at such short notice. The grizzly was busy with the Indians I suppose.

At the end of that ill-advised and ill-fated trip, all that the Prime Minister returned with was a further deterioration of our national integrity quotient and a gentle shove in the rear end from the not-so-amused hosts. At home, the mis-information machinery, greased and ready to roll, went into auto-mode and dubbed the visit to be of historic proportions and of course, like all visits made by our glued-together leaders, immensely successful. This the more discerning Pakistanis were expected to swallow without choking even as video footage of the imperial delegation rolled into our living rooms showing an apologetic, nervous and ill at ease Pakistani leader walking in the wrong direction and being gently propelled in the opposite direction, by an amused American president. The shopping spree came soon after.

Now for weeks we have twisted and turned our hands and wrung them in desperation and anxiety, agonizing over the do or die question. Will he or won’t he ? It is now obvious even to my Spaniel that should Mr. Clinton not visit Pakistan, we might as well call it curtains, keel over, kick the national plastic bucket and die. While we have all been summoning the spirits to vote for our point of view (whatever that is), the Indians have of course burnt the regulatory incense, black magic powders or whatever it is you light up on such occasions. Now, the powers that be, have decreed that President Clinton will after all stop in Islamabad on 25th March. (A national holiday must be declared). The Indians are screaming and crying and the Pakistanis are doing the ‘bhangra’. What this will achieve other than promote bilateral relations between India and Pakistan, India and Washington and Washington and Pakistan, one cannot say, not being well-versed in matters of statecraft. The visit will usher in, almost in the President’s jet trail so to speak, peace and goodwill in this troubled but politically critical area of the world. It will restore the balance of power in the region and teach India to be a little more respectful about Pakistan. It will also give the US President an opportunity to rap the Pakistani leadership on their ‘moral’ support to the freedom fighters/terrorists/secessionists (this will come soon), depending of course on who is speaking to whom and where and when.

While the Indians will moan about the visit ‘recognising’ a military set up here, supporters of the government will naturally see this as the ultimate seal of good housekeeping. Of course in the jaundiced eyes of Ms. Bhutto where the only residing image is of the good lady surrounded by her loving subjects, this will mean we stand isolated in -- what’s it they say -- the comity of nations. For the PML, whatever that is and wherever it resides when breathing, the whole business is sordid and shameful and what’s more there aren’t even any burgers and French fries to go with it. For the many, many experts and analysts, the mere number of hours President Clinton will spend here, will mean volumes of boring articles and analysis no one actually reads. Of course not even spending a night here is an insult that is hard to swallow but since we are good at swallowing things without choking, this one too will go down well. Somewhere in all this are the Taliban, the merry men of Afghanistan and Osama Bin Laden who always reminds me of Adam Bin Bede.

Mr. Clinton is welcome here (whatever you do, don’t drink tap water) and surely this visit which will be at least 300 minutes long. It will open a new and golden chapter in our relationship with the Americans, the Indians and the Eskimos, but now that he is visiting, can we please return to whatever we were doing before we went on this crazy bobsled ride ?