Wandering About

OCTOBER 2000 - While we are losing out on just about all fronts – we have set a new record in the Sydney Olympics by finishing last in everything and October 12 won’t see the nation partying all night, why are we losing out on the most basic manners ? When was the last time you met a Pakistani who was cheerful, courteous and charming ?

Encountering bad mannered fellow citizens is just about as common as running into people who insist on using no deodorants and whose mere lifting of the arm can have an effect not unlike what was experienced by the hillside at Chagai. First the road. Unless you have an air conditioned car and a large collection of tapes recorded at fairly large volume settings, you have no chance of reaching your destination on any given day without running into foul-mouthed, bad tempered fellow road users who will shout, scream and utter obscenities at the slightest pretext. While admittedly the case, where a friend was shot at for having overtaken the Punjab Governor’s son on the Sherpao Bridge, is on the extreme side, it is not rare. If you are in a long line of vehicles waiting for the line to move, it is more than likely that the person behind you, who mind you can see perfectly clearly that you’re not moving because the line is not moving, will nevertheless stand on the horn and push you to move forward. Another friend who was thus blasted from the backside calmly strolled out of his car and approached the honking fiend. He then informed him that since he seemed to be in a hurry and since the line was refusing to cooperate, he could consider making a vertical take off and simply fly over the 20 odd cars stuck in a single line. The honker was not amused and was also unarmed at the time otherwise he would have settled that little argument there and then by simply pumping in half a dozen bullets into the smart aleck’s, er….backside. Most arguments on the road are usually solved by one party cutting short the lengthy proceedings and simply pressing a willing trigger. The good thing about such an attitude being that it keeps the traffic moving. Others, not armed to the teeth, resort to kicks, slaps and pushes laced with some of the choicest prose heard in the civilised word. And of course everywhere in Pakistan where two idiots are fighting, there are two hundred idiots watching, interfering or also fighting.

Saying words like ‘sorry’, ‘my mistake’ or ‘I beg your pardon’ are strictly forbidden and most Pakistanis would rather commit suicide than confess to any of the above. On the road of course every Pakistani is transformed into some lethal mutant, a rather frightening amalgamation of Rambo, Hulk Hogan and Godzilla. While roads for some strange reason bring out the many beasts lurking within the souls of each and every man who ventures out of his house, or lair if you are into jungle imagery, other places such as banks, shops, airports, railway and bus terminals and hospitals seem to have an equally magical effect on the Pakistanis. Otherwise God fearing and gentle folk are often seen to behave in a manner that would send most cavemen scurrying indoors in sheer fright. For one thing, it is not possible to have any transaction from say buying diamonds worth Rs. 1.7 million to half a dozen bananas, without some dope head interrupting you right smack in the middle of your conversation. It does not matter in the least if you and the shopkeeper are engaged in detail or concluding a deal. The third party – followed in quick succession by the fourth or fifth party, will butt in any way and ask a price, seek an enquiry or engage in a debate, quite oblivious to your presence. Should you be so naïve as to remind them that you were already talking, you will, on your lucky day receive a look of sheer amazement. On other days, you will receive nothing and the butt-er will simply continue without the least hesitation. This strange attitude is not confined to the buyers. At most places where Pakistanis are in action, the other party, be it a shopkeeper or a bank attendant, will happily accept the interruption and then start a conversation balancing act between attending to you, the new party and should a third one jump in as well, cater to them as well. Needless to say this causes a large amount of confusion and half the time you are not sure if the conversation is intended for you or for the other people crowding around you. Should you be so naïve as to believe that you will be attended to first, you will discover that not only are you naïve but an optimistic fool.

This is why Pakistanis wear very hurt looks when shopping abroad where they will jump in with ‘Xcuse please miss, what is price?’ and receiving absolutely no response from the salesgirl who is already attending to a customer. This obstacle is then tackled by a louder, ‘Miss ? Xcuse Miss ?’ with naturally the same results. They will then either skulk away or simply frown at the miss holding up a shoe, pair of socks or a sweater. This usually causes no great change in the scenario by which time our countryman not used to such inattention, mumbles something rude and moves on. The trick that works in Pakistan and fails completely abroad is shoving an article over the shoulder of the person ahead of you or if this is difficult, going around his side and pushing the article till it is about three mm from the nose of the attendant. This usually results in the attendant taking the article and the money while the customer who was being attended to before this happened, can stay still and look at the ceiling or if he is the offensive type, collar the attendant with a strong and no nonsense, ‘oye’ which word has a wonderful effect on most people in Pakistan. Most people however accept with docility that this is the way of doing business in the country and given half the chance, they would do the same. Life limps on.

While we do not need Freud to work this one out, the simple reason why we behave in such a terrible way is the national self obsession, now one of the country’s dreaded diseases. Most of us are only able to see, on clear days, till the end of our nose, unless you are a Kashmiri when you can see longer than most. Pakistanis live in their own world which they completely dominate and which they inherently believe contains only them. Thus any other intrusion is an intrusion and not taken kindly. Hence the surprise and startled look should you protest when they interrupt what you were doing. This may explain why people cross roads without looking left, right, back or front. If the objective in hand is to cross the road and reach the cigarette kiosk on the other side, the brain has already been programmed accordingly. Should a car, travelling at the same speed as General Hameed Gul’s latest theory on Afghanistan, hit the jay walker, he will be most surprised before he kicks the bucket, should there be one thoughtfully placed in the centre of the road by the Parks & Horticulture Authority. The departing soul of our dear brother was only focussed on the cigarette and a car was not part of the programme. Should the car have arrived, it was not his responsibility to avoid being hit but the car’s responsibility not to hit him. Twisted logic, but it just about sums up the puzzled look people wear when a bus travels over them. And if that is not all, the other national trait which shines like a beacon is our inability to make the smallest gesture for the next person. It is not part of our national psyche.