The Gymkhana Crusade

NOVEMBER 1997 - With our morality under perpetual threat, we being the world’s sole custodians in all matters moral and defenders of the finest values known to man, it was no surprise that the evil Miss Gymkhana contest that was scheduled to be held on Lahore Gymkhana’s evil sin-infested premises, was finally called off. Virtue was saved, honour was protected and the nation’s valiant moral-crusaders were able to sleep the sleep of the just having averted yet another sin-ridden catastrophe.

For all this, we have to thank the nation’s voice of conscience, an editor of an Urdu paper who led the assault on the Gymkhana organisers. Fuelled by his inner passion for purity and decency, he was able to find ready response from all quarters of concerned Pakistani officials, not to mention his tribe of pen pushers who rose like a mountain (excuse the male-imagery) to prevent this obscene function from occurring. Glory be to all who raised the moral standards of this deviant nation and saved the souls of erring and flawed folk who were about to wade in the river of ultimate sin. However, for the interest of the public, other than those who have been prostrate in thankfulness ever since the function was called off, here are a few choice details.

The dress show was organised by the Club at the request of its lady members. It was always an-all women show, when it was planned and finally when it was abandoned. Only women were to take part in it, only women were to judge it and only women were to be in the audience. There were no men involved at any stage. The event was scheduled between the sinful hours of 2 pm to 4 pm in the afternoon on the Gymkhana premises. Briefly it was a dress contest limited to either of two dress styles. The categories by age were 16-30 years, the Junior Miss Gymkhana, the category that inflamed the passions of the firebrand moral brigade, 31-49 years, the Senior Miss Gymkhana and the 50 and above category, the Granny Miss Gymkhana.

It was a harmless and fun event which in all likelihood would have inspired more laughter than lust, the latter quality not usually associated with Pakistani women, having been totally taken over by the menfolk of this country. What began as an innocent event drew such fire and anger from the Urdu-led press that soon enough the entire country’s administration dropped everything it was doing and descended on the frightened and startled organisers. The Intelligence boys were quick to jump in, as usual not very intelligently, there were any number of nervous and twitching bureaucrats, who threw up their manicured hands in the air and cursed this latest moral deviation that was about to rent the country asunder. There was the Governor’s House which jumped in as well, thereby indicating rather appropriately how much spare time they have. There were any number of important officials, semi-officials, not-so-innocent bystanders and defenders of the faith who threw their two bits in and implored the heavens to cave in and crush forever the evil minds which had foisted yet another plan to corrupt our society. Not to be left behind, the religious groups took to issuing statements threatening to break down the Club brick by brick.

All this took place at feverish pitch as telephone calls flew back and forth, explanations were issued every few minutes and clarifications bounced off the Gymkhana walls at the speed of sound. There was simply no point in trying to tell whoever was wishing to know what was going on, that the whole thing had been blown, as usual, out of all proportions and fuelled by the one lie that the morally-upright journalist had penned, namely that the sin-laden fashion show where our women would reveal all, was to be ogled by randy and sex starved males. A figment of the murky imagination of one man triggered off a chain reaction which was finally resolved when the Club simply called the whole damn thing off. Honour was restored, Islam was saved and the faithful went back to whatever they were doing before this aberration had hit them.

The end of the show will not cause a crisis in the world of fashion and will not be mourned in Paris, Milan or New York. In a country where the average person finds less and less avenues of simple entertainment or relaxation, the show would have provided an afternoon of light-hearted relief, with no baring of bodies or the sleaze that the press onslaught projected. But it is not the cancellation of a function but the mindset that pervades across this country, that is frightening and a cause for concern. It seems to be a problem to enjoy anything, almost a sin to have fun. Instead, the people are bombarded with sermons and lectures by those whose own virtues have long abandoned their souls and whose faces and words inspire only contempt and hatred. The gentleman whose paper has tarnished just about every respectable person in Pakistan, and who called the Club the den of inequity, has hungered for its membership since July this year. Having paid the obligatory Rs 50,000 fee although his monthly income is a mere Rs 23,000, and sponsored by none other than the good Kh. Tariq Rahim, he anxiously awaits his turn to sample the goods at the infernal Club. If people like him are now the captains of our souls, please excuse some of us who would be happy to abandon ship and take our chances with sharks instead.