Surging Ahead

JULY 2002 - This is truly a nation of ingratiates. Everyone, other than nazims or naibs are pointing accusing fingers at Islamabad saying the President is playing ducks and drakes with the nation’s holiest cow, the Constitution. Not true. Not a single duck or drake has been spotted with the President. It has thus fallen upon Information Czar Nasir Memon and his able deputy, the evergreen, non-perishable, Syed Anwar Mehmood to educate this stupid nation of ignorant buffoons.

The bleating is about Article 58 (2B) and the government’s resolve to amend 28 articles of the Constitution. Since these are inflationary times, the number may be as much as 73. As soon as they locate a man in Islamabad who can count beyond ten, we will be informed of the exact number of amendments. There were one or two men reportedly residing in Islamabad before the Referendum Flu hit the land, but they were not seen after they turned in a 99.9% yes vote for the President even when it was established that Dr. Attiya Inayatullah had been unable to vote. The Election Commission, very weak on math, is eager to find them since they can add 1 and 1 and make11. However, the good news is that most calculations relating to the big 58 (2B) are in single digits. The President, considerate man that he is, has only settled for a five-year term for himself and given the NA – no it does not mean Not Applicable and PA does not mean, Push Aside, four years each. That may sound like R.I but it is not. He has done this only to avoid certain confusion. Had the two terms been, God forbid, the same, the nation would have been very confused – and we can’t afford that. Tony Blair told us not to be confused otherwise he would ask George Bush to give us extra homework. And remember if we are confused, how will we ever find Mulla Omer, the haystack in the needle?

There are a number of things that the President is worried about and he has been having sleepless days about it. There is that strange animal he has been searching for - something called Real Democracy. As always the National Geographic has been of little help. They were interested at first because they thought it was something that had been buried for years and would lead to some exciting excavations at the Quaid’s Mazar – not to be confused with Mazar-e-Sharif or that explosive nightclub in Afghanistan, Tora Bora. When they found out that the relic had been stolen in 1958 and re-sold to the nation as Basic Democracy, they lost interest. That in any case is un-Islamic and would have caused the Geographic a great deal of trouble with the C2 although no one there can C very far.

Now Real Democracy is a bit like the Holy Grail and the President is just not getting hold of it, not that Gen. Naqvi and his band of happy crusaders aren’t helping. The only way they can get RD for the President is by de-constitutionalising the constitution – that by the way is not that hard since from all accounts, the constitution is in a very frail condition and is no longer spelt with a capital C. When last seen it was receiving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from a mysterious man who later proclaimed he was a ‘jadogar’ and hailed from Jeddah. However, his efforts may cause the constitution to totter about till the general elections are held, though which generals will be held and by whom remains to be seen.

The President’s think tank, a rather large and heavy piece of equipment, usually found in the kitchen along with certain cabinets containing skeletons of various pipe dreams that have been hoisted upon the sagging shoulders of the people, has been hard at work trying to find what they call, Establishment of Sustainable Federal Democracy – Package-1. By its very name, it has to be sustainable which means it should be able to survive without IV injections and mouth-to-mouth oxygen supply. There is not much problem with Establishment, since it can be found on the topsoil of the nation’s capital and can be easily identified by the appearance of a slimy, green layer of scum on the surface. Apparently, the BOI, the Board Out of Investment, has orders from abroad for this rare tropical fungus. Package-1 means there are more to come which of course is exciting for the people who believe that if there can be Real Democracy why not have it gift wrapped as well? Perfectly legitimate demand I think, although thinking is not very popular these days in Pakistan and is heavily discouraged unless it is positive thinking and supportive of the President’s efforts to make a molehill out of a mountain.

There has been some irresponsible talk about the Prime Minister having too little power under the new system – they insist it’s a system. This is utter nonsense. The Prime Minister – we can never call him PM because that is reserved for Pervez Musharraf and could create confusion. Since confusion is Gen. Naqvi’s domain, we have to leave it alone. Understandably, ‘fire the PM’ might be totally misunderstood by the commando boys and Real Democracy (in an unreal world) could suffer. For instance, the Prime Minister has the power to drive to work sitting in the back seat or front seat. The choice is entirely his. He can even drive himself. The rumours that the President who is also the Chief of Army Staff and has the largest hat collection, can dismiss the National Assembly if he finds the MNAs dozing after lunch, is absolutely not true. I haven’t read it anywhere and Syed Mehmood hasn’t denied it yet, so it can’t be true. Similarly the stories going about that the Prime Minister will be a puppet are incorrect. The army has no plans to install, sorry elect a robot. The Rafi Peerzada puppets were all present when last counted, so the allegations are false. Similarly, stories that the President can dissolve the NA, the PA, the Prime Minister, the Chief Ministers and all the Governors along with hundreds of their retainers, bearers, valets, ADCs, PAs, peons, gardeners, chauffeurs, gun men, etc are absolutely false. Look at the mess that Iqbal serial killer made when he had to dissolve little boys. Imagine how much acid and how many large containers the President will have to acquire were he to dissolve Gen. Iftikhar Shah of the NWFP alone. No sir, it is not easy peasy. Can you imagine the mess were he to dissolve the whole National Assembly? We all know that the lard that usually makes up that august body can’t be dissolved by any known chemical and the President will be hard pressed to find the right stuff.

In any event, all the intellectuals, intelligentsia and opinion makers will be able to express their opinion through a nationwide debate – now that’s what I call Real Democracy following which the final draft will be laid before the Cabinet – that last bit is a bit risqué, but let’s go along with it for the time being. Unity of command is a great idea. I wish we had thought of it earlier.