Strange Survey

AUGUST 2000 - A news report published recently claims that 14 % Pakistanis are suffering from depression. Obviously, they haven’t been to Model Town. In any case, I find this a rather unbelievable figure. It is my opinion that almost 100% Pakistanis are suffering from depression. The few who are not, are known to all of us.

The study has been conducted by some university in the USA called Harvard and it was no surprise that few Pakistanis had heard of this place. They all readily identified Michael Jackson, but when it came to this university, shook their heads up and down, meaning they didn’t know. When they shake their heads left to right (or when the army is in power – which it usually is), right to left, it means yes they do know. The study claims that 3.5% people are in the habit of taking excessive liquor. Personally this figure alone stands discredited. It is pretty common knowledge that only 3.5% people do not take liquor and not the other way round. Clearly, the researchers were novices. Were one to accept their preposterous figure as being correct, we would also have to accept that we never had any legislators ever. Although they are sadly no longer with us these days, one assumes that at the time this study was conducted, their majesties must have been placed in their respective ivory towers from where, between belches, they watched the country limp by.

It is common knowledge that the amount of liquor intake the worthies were capable of was enough to keep the entire production facilities of Scotland running on three shifts. During the time the assembly sessions were taking place, usually between heavy-duty breakfasts that carried the official seal of approval – this was the time when harissa makers were appointed by royal decree, and various other occasions when food orgies were de rigeur, the country’s elected reps drank millions of gallons of the stuff that cheers. If all that, and the rest of the hooch that is imbibed in homes, dens, messes and hotel rooms adds up to just 3.5% of the people touching the stuff – well excuse me while I get some more ice. Anyone who is anyone who is anywhere near a consumer of the good spirits, will tell you on oath that when assembly sessions were on, the rates went up nationwide. Not only that, but the good brands disappeared and patrons had to settle for whatever was available at friendly embassies and through conniving excise officials. It is also well established that an entire industry thrives all over the countryside where any amount of enterprising entrepreneurs are hard at work producing pretty hot stuff brewed in large home pots. It is another matter that every now and then an entire village either gets stoned cold or worse, dozens keel over and make a bee line for the nearest pearly gates. Some are not so lucky and can only claim temporary blindness or near paralysis having sipped the concoctions that are readily available. It is hard to recall the amount of stories that keep peppering the national newspapers, but rarely have there been real arrests or real convictions. Bootlegging thrives and is a happy industry with low investments and high returns. In fact the ROI factor is one that would make most multinationals turn green with envy, but that is another story. So if only 3.5% Pakistanis are taking excessive liquor, allow me another refill. If nothing else, it might bring the statistics a little closer to reality.

The study – which gets more and more suspect, goes on to claim that only 2.5% people are suffering from schizophrenia, with 4.5% people of Lahore, Gujranwala and Wazirabad heading the top of the pops charts. Firstly, this figure, like the other one is way off line. We all know that almost the entire country suffers from schizophrenia – this is the last time I am writing the word in full; we’ll just live with schizo, ok? – and that the nice thing is that those who do, are really not suffering at all, but enjoying it. If you don’t agree, stand at any roadside –don’t stand in the middle because everyone will run over you, and hear what people are saying. At least half the people are engaged in heated debate, the result of an accident or a near-accident, and almost all the conversation hangs on the question posed by one or the other, namely, ‘don’t you know who I am?’. This gem produces various responses. Mostly the recipient of this strange question will reply with an equally strange answer, i.e. ‘don’t you know who I am?’ which we all agree is a good way to go but doesn’t exactly propel the conversation forward. If neither knows who the other is, it is quite likely that the questioner himself is pretty uncertain who he really is. This is a little abstract I admit, but if 75 million people are asking 75 million people who they are, things are a little serious. If living under this strange illusion is not schizo-stuff, what is ?

However, where this dubious study slightly redeems itself, is when it ranks Punjab as the schizo capital of the country. One cannot do anything but agree wholeheartedly. If ever there was a province which doesn’t know whether it is coming or going, or for that matter going or coming, or simply coming but not going, Punjab is it. It had a Prime Minister who knew he was going either to Islamabad on the motorway or coming to play cricket, on the motorway. In between, he was neither coming nor going but nursing his mandate, which, in case you are not metaphysically inclined, is a man on a date tree without dates. What puzzles me is why are the people of Gujranwala and Wazirabad suffering from schizo-stuff ? You can’t be a schizo without thinking and I know that except for Jawaad S. Khwaja and Afzal Mufti, both from Wazirabad, no one there ever thinks much. As for Gujranwala, there is Ghulam Dastagir, the closest thing we have to a thinking person. The rest of the town plastered itself with mutton tikkas, kheer and fried sparrows years ago and are still in a delirious and stupefied state. As and when they come to, all they can do is assemble some fans, beat out some washing machines and go for the fried sparrows again. In between, if there is such a state, the people of this city being rather well-padded, they are prone to flail about in a mud pit and carry funny looking metal rods on their shoulders, weigh 350 pounds and speak with a squeaky voice. Where does schizo enter into all this, I wonder ?

The last thing that got me about the study was their finding that in Baluchistan lesser number of men commit suicide, as opposed to women. While the study gives us no explanation why this should be so, one can assume that more women are not committing suicide than men because they are already dead and we all know you can’t commit suicide when you are dead. In fact, the last time anyone saw an alive woman in Baluchistan was during the time of the British. Since then, there have been very few sightings. And finally, in Hangu, NWFP, the intake of liquor has risen to new heights and it is now regarded as a status symbol. As far as I am concerned, the people of Hangu obviously know which way the wind’s blowing and are the only fellows who are having a ball while they are up and about.