Sting Operation

APRIL 2003 - I don’t know about the level of frustration friend George Bush must be undergoing having found no WMDs so far in downtown or uptown Iraq. Neither has he found that gun-toting cowboy, Saddam. When last reports came in, Saddam was partying with his bosom buddies, Mulla Omar and Osama Bin Laden probably in Syria, Iran or maybe it was Pakistan. These terrorists sure know how to get around, thanks to Mulla Omar’s miracle dirt bike, which can ferry three at a go. But then Bush is a past master at the art of creative dodging - a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and he will be happy the carefree trio hasn’t been found. As long as they are bumming around, the weapons of mass destruction shall be sought, much in the fashion of The Holy Grail.

Over here it was nice watching the jubilant Iraqis celebrating their newly found liberation. They were having a ball, although whose ball it was, Tommy Franks didn’t tell us. All praise to the coalition forces and those magnificent men in their flying machines who taught the world precise pinpoint bombing. Kill three school children and miss a platoon of Iraqi soldiers three inches away. The power of the forces of freedom, light, courage and apple pie are truly breathtaking. The Iraqis never having the freedom to shout, scream and stomp on statues, are basking in the glow of these gifts brought into their lives by the kind-hearted ‘friendly firing’ forces. All Iraq is bathed in the celestial light that follows after miracles have been performed. Wonder of wonders, the Shias can now whip their backsides, beat their breasts and walk on live coals, all for the price of nothing. No wonder, the entire world is applauding Bush and Blair (or is it Blush and Beer?), for giving the Iraqis a new lease on life along with packets of bubble gum diet biscuits and aerated water. These are indeed blessed times.

Some party poopers are spoiling the fun, saying that the statues the Americans are pulling down and the Iraqis are stomping on, are not the real items. These are two number Saddams, part of the confuse and confound tactics of the barbarians (Iraqis) and merely depict the images of the 18 odd look alikes of Saddam Hussain that regularly exchanged high fives with the Iraqi people till recently. The cities the Coalition Forces have laid siege to, are not real; merely clever illusions that look chillingly like the real McCoy. Others are saying that the savvy Information Minister of Iraq who regularly addressed the world media from a dedicated information ministry, then any old building, then a passage and finally a sidewalk before disappearing from the scene, was not the real minister but a clever copy. Trust the crafty Iraqis to have made fools of the kind and simple hearted folks who made up the liberation squads of noble do-gooders. Honestly it doesn’t pay to be nice and believe in the goodness of human nature. Skeptics argue if David Copperfield can make a 747 or a train disappear, can you trust the clever Iraqis not to pull a fast one when you least expect it? Credible when you know that Anthrax was the main favourite at every breakfast table. This of course means that the allies may have invaded the wrong country in which case, along with weapons of mass destruction and stock piles of Anthrax, we now have to launch a global seek-and-destroy search for the real Iraq. Michael Moore, revise your 30-second tirade against the gentle Bush. You can’t help feeling bad for the cool dude from Texas. Going the extra mile to make the world a better place, raining thousands of kilos of steel and firecrackers only to discover that they got the country wrong. Truly, as Adolf Rumsfield put it, there is no justice. If I was Bush, I’d take a good, long look at old General Tommy Franks. Is it really him? How can we be sure and if it isn’t him, where is the real Tommy Franks? As for Blair or Blare is concerned, I have had my doubts from day one. A man, who can be so earnest and level headed when describing action that means the deaths of thousands of civilians, has to be a double. How can a real person perform and not wilt? If this is so, we have a missing Blare on our hands and that really compounds the problem.

While the world watches and waits for the turrets of the tanks – weapons of mass happiness, to swivel and face Syria (remember they gave the Iraqis goggles and non-melt chocolates), we have our own battle going here with our version of WMDs. Since the end of a long winter in this part of the country and the start of summer in full flow, we have been laid low by billions of mosquitoes which have more or less taken over from Mr. Jamali, the four Chief Ministers, forty five thousand Lt. Generals and eighty five thousand Maj.Generals. The Governors, they wiped out in the first few seconds. It is now correct to say that for every Pakistani around, there are five thousand mosquitoes biting the living daylights out of them and drinking their blood, as there is no tomorrow. Nothing can stop these conquering armies of winged creatures, who are everywhere buzzing, biting and causing dengue fever and hysterical laughter. Their performance has been amazing and the ministry of culturism, vulturism and tourism has decided to build statues honouring these brave legions. With these characters doing so well, who needs SARS? So, much to the delight of the armed forces, the various statues of tanks, submarines, airplanes, rockets, nuclear hills, guns and cannons that adorn our cities and inspire our people everyday, will be replaced by character studies and profiles of mosquitoes, truly a national icon to be loved and respected.

It is also proposed that the mosquito be declared the national insect of Pakistan and duly honoured with scholarships, awards and such like created to honour these winged miracle workers. Imperiously indifferent to various sprays, lotions, smoking coils and other poisons, the mosquitoes are more or less doing what the Coalition boys have been doing to Baayz-ra, Beg- Dad, Ker- bella and Keer Cook. This has provoked the ministry of health (no it has not died; those are vicious rumours only) to issue a call for a national seminar on the mosquito blessing and the role it is playing in devolution, remittances of foreign exchange and the freedom of Kashmir. The MMA has in the meantime issued a statement that it is still considering if male and female mosquitoes should be allowed to mingle and will let the nation know soon their position on the matter – horizontal or vertical as the case may be. Mr. Jamali has issued a statement also saying that the mosquitoes are his government’s creation and therefore the credit goes to them. He has called for a national holiday on the 5th of May to mark Mosquito Day. They are thinking about a Night Festival and Mr. Kamran Lashari is working on it. The NAB has announced that it is checking sources to find who is funding the mosquitoes and the ISI Chief has declared that it is a RAW plan to undermine the country, while Mr. Khurshid Kasuri has told India that our mosquitoes are bigger than theirs and are always in three piece suits. The Indians are understandably upset. The President has said nothing, as he is busy playing tennis. Lastly, Lahore police raided a den and arrested forty mosquitoes watching a porno film but released them later as the film was only 2X.

Such are the great times in which we abide. A group of us is asking George Bush to send in SWAT teams to Pakistan in a hurry.