Silly Season

OCTOBER 2002 - Speculation, that life-sustaining fluid which galvanizes Pakistanis into frenzy across every drawing room and dinner party, is running at an all-time high these days. As always, the good news is we have no idea whether we are going or coming. This is especially significant for a country, which has no clue why it came into being and is even more clueless why it is still in existence. Existence of course being subject to multiple interpretations, the rule being that the more multiples you have to your name, the more fun you can have in Pakistan. The poor Honda Accord of course being no longer one of the nation’s great multiples having been replaced by nuclear submarines, high powered jets and other means of instant finance. The 40 million who crawl from one day to another have no multiples and are therefore happily expendable.

A friend asked the other day what would happen at the center were the PML (Q) and the MMA to merge. I replied that other than the unmentionable, a very explosive situation. It would create a very combustible and highly unstable mixture. Even if it is a simple chemical reaction between the two – I think they are called parties but I could be mistaken, it would read something like PM3-AQ. For those uninitiated in the finer art of Islamabad politics the equation simply indicates that there would be a highly charged bid for the PM slot and in the end, inspired by AQ, the father of nuclear science (they are still puzzled about the mother), the whole lot would simply disintegrate. The daily combinations that are pouring out from all corners of the country, particularly from our capital, which some claim actually does not exist, could have driven Einstein crazy.

Mr. Khalid Ranja, some say he is a law minister, among whose learned observations is the verdict he gave when a village panchayat coolly let a woman be raped – the minister said at the time that the police were not to be blamed for taking no action since an FIR was not registered, has announced to a confused nation that a two-time CM can become a one-time PM.

This is all fine and dandy but in the context of the same country that says a two-time PM cannot contest an election and seek to become a third-time PM causes the same look on people’s faces as the Pakistan cricket team whenever it can focus its eyes. A casual look at the papers reveals that everyone is engaged in making potions that will out-hex and out-smart the competition. The political parties are fielding more candidates for the top slots than Lt.Gen. Tauqir Zia does for the cricket team’s coaches, who come and go leaving blurred motion trails as the only evidence that they were there in the first place. In many ways of course it makes a lot of sense – keep trying combinations and something is bound to happen. Mian Azhar who was recently trapped leg before wicket while he was still taking guard and his companion, the very picture of integrity, honesty, humility and purity (we can include that, can’t we?), Ch. Shujaat Hussain have already announced that will not accept an MMA or a 4P candidate for a consensus Prime Minister. This is perfectly understandable because to have a consensus has been declared illegal for many years now and its practice remains banned. However since Ch.Shujaat is backing Jamali for the PM slot, Mian Azhar is opposing Shujaat. Had Mian Azhar been backing Jamali, Ch. Shujaat would have opposed Mian Azhar. This is also very clear to me though I am afraid I have no idea who Jamali is and why is he here. Perhaps the CEC has an idea. Of course, Mian Azhar is supporting Mr. Kasuri – at least he was when last reports came in, but you never know.

In this heady situation, readers will be reassured to learn that Ch.Shujaat has met the MQM, the party that works through the telephone connection system and they have both decided to bury the hatchet. Where they have buried it or when are they going to bury it, is not known at this time, but the FBI after examining all of Dr. Amir Aziz’s bones, has promised to look for the hatchet. Personally, I have my doubts about this hatchet business. To the best of my knowledge, the MQM never relied on this crude bit of Stone Age technology, preferring the more modern and dependable electric drill. This machine as the MQM had figured out made holes in knees very quickly and was very cost effective. One drill with a few bits was enough to make a hundred men sing like canaries. Ch. Shujaat would do well to carry a pocket drill next time he goes prospecting for a like-minded government in Sindh. Mother Teresa of Sindh, the lily-white Benazir Bhutto, is in the meantime jetting off to see lower-than-the-top officials of the Bush administration. Last time all she succeeded in meeting was the receptionist but PPP circles with all the Ps intact are confident that this time she will go past the receptionist – to the next receptionist of course, but that we won’t learn till next year. Like all her fellow compatriots who are fighting over the few crumbs that have fallen off the President’s dinner table, she is looking for a deal. Now that is not strange, since all she has ever looked for since she learnt A Apple, B Benazir, C Commission, D Dollars and K Kickback, is deals, deals and deals.

As if this is not causing headaches nationwide, Mr.Tarar of the Baluchistan Briefcase Caper fame, is back. There were some of us who maintained that he was a good President. For one thing he never said anything or did anything other than ferry the odd briefcase as and when required. For another he was housed in such a large building that he had trouble finding his way about and was largely unseen other than the photo-opportunity sessions he managed when schools, clinics or abattoirs were in need of an inaugural chief guest. Other than that, his most striking quality was that he looked the same even when turned upside down. Having woken up after a deep sleep he has realized that he has been tight-lipped all these years. Whatever that ailment is I am afraid Dr. Amir Aziz is not taking any appointments unless you have one eye and a rickety motorcycle. In any event, the weight of morality, decency and the fervent desire to protect the spirit of democracy (ye gods, what is that?), constitution and morality has provoked him to take up cudgels on behalf of the nation. This is all we need. Now we are going to be whipped daily as he ‘reveals’ all. He should first of all write a travelogue of his midnight dash across the country holding the spirit of the constitution in a briefcase. The former President should be informed that following 23 surgical procedures that President Musharraf and his happy crew of medicine-men performed on the Constitution last month, that body has died peacefully in sleep and is probably buried next to Ch. Shujaat’s hatchet.

And since this is the season of stupid speculations, here's one more. Lt.Gen. Tauqir Zia having saved the future of Pakistan’s cricket by taking back his resignation should make sure we win against Zimbabwe and South Africa. He should send the hockey team to play cricket. The cricketers can play as the hockey team. Surely this can’t fail? It might even work and our hockey team can win the World Cup in 2003.