Over To You

MARCH 2000 - In an imperfect world, why should cricket commentary be the pleasant exception ? Why should cricket commentary even feature as an item of interest given the state of our perilous existence ? Is cricket even worth talking about now that Lt.Gen. Tauqeer and the boys have given it the gulli-danda touch ? Is it possible to recognize who is and who isn’t in the national side at any given moment ? And if the nation should ask players to be identified by name tags each time the strangers appear on TV, can anyone think they are being inordinately stupid ? No, cricket’s only relevance exists, because nothing else does. Having read Madeline Albright’s eye-opening address to the Asia Society in Washington yesterday, my head has been miraculously cleared by the resounding slaps she delivered. Thank you Madam. I fully understand that Mr. Clinton’s visit to our country will be what it was always meant to be. A visit. Those still hoping for miracles to pour from the tail section of Air Force One should be deported to the funny farm for a longish visit.

There is a fundamental truth about those who darken newspaper space with their ideas, or most often, lack of them. The truth is that whatever you write is not read. If it is, it’s never acted upon by any body. The newspaper enables you to take fried fish home and that’s just about as effective as it will ever be. The state of Pakistan’s cricket commentary has declined at a far faster rate than the form of the national side. The most banal voices have plundered the air waves giving sycophancy and nepotism a new and brilliant interpretation. Complete lack of cricket knowledge – most cannot tell the difference between a pull and a hook, or cover and mid off – is now an overriding consideration in selecting commentators, although the word selecting must be viewed in the widest possible context. The less you know, the brighter your chances of sitting in the commentator’s box. Complete ignorance of cricketing terminology, its glorious past and the millions of anecdotes, stories, deeds and personalities that make this game one of the greatest invented by mankind, are indispensable qualities. The larger your ignorance, the better your chances. Complete absence of language skill, the turn of the phrase, the choice of an idiom, the use of an image, the perception of a refined observer, the twist in a situation, the joy of a perfect day – these are all alien and forbidden territories into which none of the asses who sit in the commentary boxes ever dare venture. Such things don’t exist. In Pakistan, an unholy, immoral and self-serving relationship exists and flourishes, between those in whose incapable hands lies the power to select and hoist upon the people, men who should in ordinary circumstances be shot should they venture within 100 feet of a commentary position. However, this being a land where the only merit you need to have should be the contacts you have, such considerations are merely theories which are ignored, rejected and discarded with impunity by the authorities. Public opinion does not matter and since every government believes in insulting the people, so do they. Our leaders plunder our resources. These gentlemen plunder our peace of mind.

Some weeks ago, some cussedness in my genes, forced me to write about the dismal cricket commentary scene, the worst decline in 30 years, that was rife in Pakistan, where every rule in the book had been grossly violated to please and promote favourites. With the Sri Lankan tour nearing the end, the ears can take no more battering and the mind, no more insults. There was a time when there were some standards in commentary, but those seem so long ago that it is futile even recalling them. Now, the game, like everything else, has been run over by charlatans and discards. It’s a jumma bazaar of commentators and they are cheap, tacky and selling by the dozens. The few odd rules still tottering about, are regularly violated and twisted to suit personal agendas. On our disastrous tour of Australia, PBC or Pakistan Broadcasting Corporation to the uninitiated, took the English commentary from Australian Broadcasting Corp. (ABC). If no one could follow a word of the Aussie accents, not to mention their coloured point of view, that was not the PBC’s concern. For Urdu, a chosen favourite made it. Mr. Ehtesham, who’s claim to fame is that he is from the same racial stock as the Director General. Racial ties matter and don’t let anyone kid you otherwise. In the second half of that tour, another Urdu specialist was also sent for a joyride. This gent was a radio producer but miracles of miracles, could also do cricket commentary if required. This time ABC was dropped and Chisty was accommodated. If Aussie commentary was good enough the first time, why was it discontinued, one might ask, but since the game is to manipulate and send personal favourites, the objections are irrelevant. It will be the same when we tour Sharjah, West Indies, England and South Africa. Positions will be shuffled about to suit agendas.

Some time back, a committee headed by a reluctant Omer Kureishi was formed by the Director General PBC to settle the commentary issue. Omer agreed to head it on the condition that their recommendations would be implemented. A list of commentators was finalized. There were to be three categories; Outstanding, A & B. All tests and 1-days were to be conducted by the Outstanding Category which included Iftikhar Ahmed, Chisty Mujahid, Shahzad Humayun and of course Omer (who in any case hardly does commentary any more). In Urdu, it was Munir Hussain and Hasan Jalil. Everyone else, about 26 or so, were A & B - to be used when the above were not available. Omer’s fears were right. The committee’s views were violated almost immediately. Since then, standards have continued to plummet further and further. All kinds of idiots talk nonsense into the mikes and frustrated listeners and viewers regularly pour their anger in newspaper letters and articles, without effect. A Mirza Iqbal Beg has won an award and a volleyball commentator, Mohd Taufiq now does cricket. Ye gods, have mercy. The likes of Taslim Arif (“May God give Lt.Gen. Tauqeer a long life” – that’s the right way to go Taslim), Sikander Bakht and Hot-potato-in-the-mouth, Brig. Pingo, grace the air waves. Someone has to stop this. Can’t be the CE. He’s having kittens with Bill round the corner. Kh. Ijaz Sarwar ? An information pro ? Could be. Javed Jabbar ? A media pro ? Possible. They can set things right. They can’t do much about the 9 pm news, but they can save cricket from further decline. Are you gents tuned in today ? Can you bring in some order and restore the Kureishi committee’s findings ? Your guess is as good as mine, I fear.