Losing It

AUGUST 2003 - Why is there such a decline in basic good manners? Is it a sign of the times? Is it the . way things are done now? Is it the telltale sign of a society in flux? Who knows? Maybe it’s all three or neither of them. One thing is sure. Good manners are just as elusive in Pakistan as good governance. Of that rare variety we have never had any sampling, but surely good manners were around just a few years back. Where they disappeared to, most of us have no clue except that without that thin veneer of civilization gone, we are more than ever exposed and the poorer for it.

This afternoon – a few days back actually as you read this, I have had the novel experience of attending a formal meeting where our host, at whose offices we were meeting for a serious and involved discussion, had three phones on his desk and was constantly attending to them. They never stopped ringing and we soon got into the rhythm of a fragmented conversation, covering small spaces in multiple stages. In between the three infernal devices, six people of various denomination arrived and left, some carrying slips of paper, one carrying an invoice book, another a cheques book and yet another who leaned and whispered into the ear of our host for what seemed to be a long time. Not to be left behind, an ubiquitous peon arrived and left with three scalding cups of tea carrying a rather generous helping of sugar and milk and since this was a party of sorts in full swing, three ‘close’ friends of the host popped in to pass the time of the day and were warmly welcomed to join in as well. It crossed my mind to protest about this breakdown of behaviour, but on second thoughts, it was a project that was best left abandoned. The meeting or whatever it was that we were enacting lurched on between snatches of phone calls, visitors, minions and other equally entertaining characters. I was hoping that a few cats and dogs might arrive at any given moment, but obviously it was their day off. We somehow concluded our business in forty five hundred installments, losing the thread of the conversation half a dozen times. In the end, we stood up, quite convinced that neither had they understood a word of what we had been saying nor did it seem possible that we had succeeded in losing our way completely. Such meetings are not uncommon now of course and happen with the most educated of people or the most illiterate – the distinction no longer seems to matter.

Another development of which we should, I suppose, be proud is the business of managing phone calls. The rules that are now widely practiced by all and sundry, make it obligatory for the caller to call again should the party called be unable to attend to the call in the first place. In other words, no one is that cuckoo to take your number down and inform you that since the party you wish to speak to is incommunicado presently, your call will be returned in due course of time. No. What you are told is that the party you have called is unable to take your call because he/she is in a meeting (having tea and samosas with buddies and other free wheelers), out of the office (never came to work), on another call that cannot be interrupted or in the loo. So, call again in half an hour. This may stretch to the rest of the day because neither will anyone have the faintest idea when the party will be available nor will they speak the magic words and say that they will return the call. Heavens may cave in without a sound but those magic words you will not hear. If you should be so pushy as to insist that your name and number be taken down and the party in question asked to return your call, you might succeed in the first task but will miserably flop in the second. The thinking I guess runs along the following lines. Since you are calling, therefore you need to talk, therefore you can go along with making calls till you have made the connection. The issue of good manners simply does not feature in the equation. Chances of your name and number being recorded on paper are just about the same as Maulana Fazal ur Rehman playing the cello in Vienna.

Landlines are bad enough but we now have the mobile monster. In the hands of people who have yet to learn how to get down from a tree without making a mess of it, this technology is just as volatile as arming a bunch of chimpanzees with razors. Anything can happen – and does with a regularity that would put most Swiss watches to shame. In the wake of this high tech gadget there is now a tidal wave of gross manners that stretch like an ugly sewer from one end of the country to the other. If mobile phones have multiplied at a staggering rate, the fall of basic good manners has been even more spectacular. There is this mind-consuming, feverish desire bordering on insanity to ‘keep in touch.’ Perfectly reasonable people are seen rushing out from meetings, lectures, concerts, restaurants – just about everywhere intoning the mobile litany, ‘I am sorry I can’t take your call right now,’ or the other national favourite, ‘I can’t speak to you now. I’ll get back to you later.’ While companies driven by the all-consuming passion to sell more and more connections have sold phones as if they were going out of production, no one has thought it fit to communicate a few basic rules about civilized use of this technology. In the hands of everyone, from your dhobi to your carpenter and everybody in between, there is now the added spectacle of a nation on the run, on the phone, talking non-stop and without coming up for air. As the vegetable seller said to his caller the other day, ‘I’ll touch you on mobile later.’ Touch you? That’s brilliant. New technology, new terminology. Makes ‘hello hi,’ look old fashioned. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with mobile technology – it serves many useful purposes, but widespread usage has further eroded the tiny sliver of good manners we might have had. Instead, there is a nation of yahoos on the move all the time.

By the same token, replying to letters, official or private, is now as archaic as Noah’s ark. As for thank you notes, these are probably regarded as hostile acts and close to criminal offence. Official correspondence remains unanswered for weeks, sometimes forever. Even a scribbled reply faxed back on your letter is as rare as finding a PIA toilet that’s clean or a road in any city that’s not submerged in sewerage water. This general and all-powerful social behaviour is nationally reflected at the highest levels of public life by the exalted leadership of the country. Although the penguins are back in business, looking just as officious and dumb as they always did from the time Zia ul Haq plucked them from the nearest tree, their behaviour remains at the same level as exhibited by pigs at feeding time near the troughs. The other day, watching a pack of them emerge from the Chaudhry residences in Lahore, flanked by some of Pakistan’s heaviest pieces of civilian artillery and herded along by an obscene amount of overweight policemen – there was more blubber on display than at San Diego’s Sea World, one was crushed by the realization that expecting these worthies to change the way we live our lives was just about as reasonable a request as asking King Kong to ride a tricycle. Pass me the gravy, Jeeves. There’s a good man.