Just Do It

APRIL 2002 - It was somewhere in February 1989 that writing for another newspaper, I had moaned and groaned about the appearance of Pakistan’s champion chameleon, Tariq Aziz on Pakistan Television attired in a high collar tunic and matching trousers, chanting mantras about the divine leadership of the Daughter of the East. These were the halcyon days of Camelot I, when BB had ridden in style into the dangerous but alluring corridors of power in Islamabad, which before her and after her, had enticed so many to doom. On 9th April, almost 13 years to the day, Tariq Aziz – he convicted by our Supreme Court is back, on another stage, chanting mantras, this time about General Pervez Musharraf. Could they find nobody else, is a question that perhaps has an answer but let’s leave that for a moment.

The saying goes, that old soldiers never die; they simply fade away or is it that they never fade away and simply die? Who knows? So many things change so many times in Pakistan, it is hard to keep track and yet, at the same time, the more things change here, the more they remain the same. Generals may fade away, but there’s no such luck where Tariq Aziz is concerned. In 1989, TA was the new darling of Mr. Bhutto’s daughter, because he was such a devotee of her father in the 1970s – Tariq Aziz was the fiery orator with his socialism (Islamic variety) pasted permanently it seemed, on his manly chest. It didn’t really matter that between Mr. Bhutto’s hanging at the hands of Terry Thomas and the arrival of the Princess, Tariq Aziz had been busy shedding socialism and adopting generalism. This switch he had completed with great dexterity and had abandoned the Bhutto high tunic-trousers for the ‘awami’ shalwar kameez which General Zia ul Haq greatly favoured.

He had delinked himself completely from such dangerous notions as ‘roti, kapra and makan’ in favour of Islam’s shining new light, which had begun to radiate from all corners of his physique. In those general days, Tariq Aziz looked perplexed if you asked him silly questions like democracy, rights of the people, poverty, social inadequacies and other equally distressing subjects. He had made it his mission to shine the light for his dear General and therefore, his Thursday auctioneering program on TV became the beacon of light for the whole nation. ‘Hurting eyes and flowing ears,’ was the opening salvo of that programme – excuse the deliberate distortion from the thundering two liner that Tariq Aziz threw at the audience. Knowing that he had the General tuning in for most telecasts (the General was known to gather his pearls of wisdom from Tariq Aziz’s Nelaam Ghar and back dated issues of the Reader’s Digest), Tariq Aziz spouted the most obscure aspects of Islamic history and belligerently harassed his confused lower middle class guests who blundered onto his quiz programme and could not answer these questions. From socialist, he had cleverly become the voice of the general. In those days he couldn’t be caught dead wearing those silly band master clothes Mr. Bhutto had draped over his many unfit ministers. Now it was the General’s sartorial whims that dictated his wardrobe. As soon as BB traipsed into Islamabad, Tariq Aziz disappeared into his secret wardrobe cave and hey presto, the tunic and trousers were back as if they had never gone away in the first place.

Then when BB fell, he was back in his awami mode once more, playing for time and waiting for the proper, Islamabad-pleasing dress code.

All good things come to an end and the silly auction thing was no exception. Having run ad nauseum for years, it died a peaceful death and was buried. Tariq Aziz sort of melted into the shadows, but come April 9, 2002 and there he is, in full Technicolor, ranting and raving, exhorting the people to come forward and make the referendum a roaring success. Behind him, another General watches his antics and crowd control. Does the General know who the DJ is? It is a pity that Tariq Aziz is unable to don an army commando uniform, because that would endear him eternally to the GHQ and we would have been treated to the spectacle of two men in fatigues on the same stage, but thank God such was not the case. Tariq Aziz is equally insufferable, attired in a space suit, a gorilla suit, as Santa Claus or as a member of the Ku Klux Klan. What however defeats me is the wisdom of those who thought bringing him on stage (and keeping him there as some sort of Master of Ceremonies) was the perfect recipe for success. Where has reason fled? We have an eternal shortage of genuine talent, but even Moeen Akhtar or that gentle ghost, Anwar Maqsood would have been welcome. To give the suffering gathering at the Minar-e-Pakistan, pure Tariq Aziz for hours altogether, is a cruel joke and doesn’t auger well for the President’s five year planned term. The Lahoris are generally (absolutely no pun intended) forgiving people and can be pretty accommodating at times, but the President’s think tank that rescued Tariq Aziz from the old skeleton cupboard, dusted the cobwebs off him and propelled him on stage, ought to be rapped on the knuckles. A kick off towards a political career and a five year term, no questions asked – well only one question really, is fraught with danger, so why destroy credibility at the starting line with a spent cartridge – chala who wa kartoos? Those who know Tariq Aziz usually ask him before greeting him, which political party is he towing at that particular time, knowing that he is the eternal, generously lubricated, weather vane that sways prodigiously at the first hint of a gentle breeze.

If Tariq Aziz was a bad choice, what about the 50,000 odd who were herded in for two days and then penned in, the cattle that they were? The commandeering of public transport, the hapless rustics heaped onto trucks and buses, the hundreds ordered to ‘be there,’ the officials running to and fro, barking orders and the minions of law and order, well-supported by army commandos who bull dozed those who had had enough and wanted to go home – all this is so old and so distressing that perhaps there is no point in even bringing it up. The rally at the Minar was no different from scores of others held by equally motivated and driven governments. The faces change – and in the case of Tariq Aziz, it doesn’t, but everything else is the same. All army rulers want to wear the robes of legitimacy even though they really don’t need it – not here in Pakistan. Yet they all fall for the same rope a dope trick. Why? What does it matter? Why run down Bonnie & Clyde – although I know BB can pass for Bonnie, but Mian Nawaz Sharif as Clyde, is stretching it a bit – their handiwork is well known to the people and no one wants them back? Why have a referendum with another loaded (and that is putting it very mildly) question? The intellectuals may want democracy but most people are sick of the labels that they have to adopt every few years, only to see them disappear – democracy is another sick label. A country where no one looks right or left before crossing a road, is not ready for democracy for another few hundred years, so toss the referendum over the next hedge and as P.G.Wodehouse might have put it, ‘Carry on regardless, old boy.’ You don’t need a referendum and you certainly don’t need Tariq Aziz. Just do it, General.