Hi Bill, Bye Bill

MARCH 2000 - Of course it is quite possible that Bill Clinton never came to Pakistan and what we saw, or should it be hardly saw, was somebody playing Bill Clinton. This might sound a bit bizarre, but then what else can explain the strange five hours we all experienced last week? If ever there was a cloak and dagger scenario, admittedly without the cloak and without a dagger, then Islamabad was the stage for an elaborate masquerade, the end of which left the whole country guessing and the Chief Executive wiping his brow. As for the Clinton arrival and departure, a friend who sadly I cannot name, said it all. 'He came, he spat and he left.'

Islamabad, which at the best of times resembles a mortuary in deep mourning was for five hours and more, besieged by the American secret service (which is very secret) and almost became a part of the Union, 51st or 61st State - forgive the ignorance. We all retreated into the distance and stood and watched more like innocent bystanders, as highly advanced surveillance equipment went into motion, handled by men in dark suits and even darker goggles. In a way of course, it was poetic justice at its very best. We have all suffered Islamabad's penchant for being overly officious and bureaucratic. A city (though many argue strongly against ever calling it that) which revels in policing its people at all hours of the day and night irrespective of the seasons, and where it is rumoured the security agencies and all the other spooks who meander about its silent streets, outnumber the people 10 to one, was in turn laid low by the mighty onslaught of the country which invented high tech security philosophy - it's well past being called technology. For days before the visit finally materialised amidst wide spread gnashing of the teeth across the divide, the capital was taken hostage. There was nothing we could do. Pakistan having earned yet another muddy feather in its tattered cap, this time being equated with the world's most dangerous places (such as New York city and Washington D.C.) had to hand over the country to those who know how US presidents are protected.

By this time, the stories were circulating fast and free. Armoured plated limos, some said four, some said six, were reported to be travelling ahead of the Presidential cavalcade, ferried across nations and continents in special planes. There were stories about circulating satellites, about naval warships positioned nearby and very conveniently (let's not think what they were supposed to do should there have been a problem). There were people who said that if someone took a breath within a 3 mile radius of wherever the President was at any given time, the US security boys would not only know where it was coming from, but also the man's name, beard length and what he had for lunch last week. This was impressive though I couldn't for the life of me think what impact the man's lunch would have on US foreign policy, it being called so because it is foreign to most people who live in the US. There was also a great deal of speculation on the number of aircraft that were employed to escort the President and his team - certainly it made Mian Sahib's entourages look piddly by comparison. As for the aircraft, versus our Mian's 737, which he had hijacked from PIA long before he thought of hijacking an airbus flying in from Malle, there was no comparison. There were more helicopters than Dhamial base. With tons and tons of gadgetry to go around, no wonder our leaders decided to throw in the towel long before the first bell. The rest was a spectacle that took place before a highly amused and somewhat confused nation.

On the day of the great arrival, the capital's sleepy residents having already witnessed endless rehearsals of the 'visit' carried out by solemn looking men, were then subjected to more red tape and security mumbo jumbo than all the nonsense drills since Ayub Khan thought it a good idea to populate a plateau. Traffic froze everywhere though I have it on good authority that the residents of Sibi were allowed to move with only some minor restrictions. A taxi driver told me that almost three and a half hours before the arrival, his cab was diverted out of Islamabad and prevented from even slowing down to ask directions. He found a new route in Vasco de Gama style and emerged near a village, which he couldn't identify. When Bill Clinton arrived, it was strange because he actually didn't. My friend, Nivi Shahzad who had been pummelled into the 'live' television broadcast from the Chaklala base and who had been 'informed' that the US President had boarded a C-5 from Mumbai, was quite rightly excited by the sight of a tall, blonde man stepping out of the C-5, surrounded by the men in black suits and blacker goggles. As it turned out, the man was a 'look alike' or as I alone believe, the real Bill Clinton. The man, who spoke harshly to the Pakistani nation later, was a paid actor. Steven Spielberg provided the makeup artists. Najam Sethi who likes to attempt impossible things tried to get into Islamabad on the Saturday but didn't make it beyond his drawing room. Others fared even worse and couldn't even move wherever they were. Jugnoo whom nothing can stop never even got round to thinking of moving which just shows you how well the Americans had worked out things. And so it went on, days before it happened and on the day itself when nothing really happened. President Tarrar, who made Clinton wait for two protocol-history-making minutes, cannot be blamed. He was shaking hands with Bill Clinton in another part of the building and was told that this wasn't Bill Clinton but just a decoy. He then rushed in some confusion to the other side and saw a look alike standing in the porch. Not sure of what to do next, he simply clutched the man's hand. Eventually the secret service had to free it with the help of crowbars. Clinton or whoever was in the porch has not been seen in public shaking hands with anyone since then. Multiple fractures are suspected.

But seriously, who can blame the Americans? For all they knew, Bin Laden was even at that moment hiding in the cannabis weeds of Islamabad, laden with Stinger missiles (US made) and an army of devoted maddies out to teach the great Satan a great lesson. Laden never arrived for the party and sadly missed out on all the fun. As for us, Bill Clinton told us the truth, which somebody should have advised him is one sure way to become very unpopular in this part of the world.