Garbage Regatta

JANUARY 1997 - If it wasn’t the middle of the day and if it wasn’t a bright winter sun that blazed down at me, I could have sworn that it was a mirage (not to be confused with the gradually dwindling ghost image of the caretaker PM by the same name). But it was no mirage, because there it was. A municipal truck with three attendants on board and what is more, half filled with garbage and what is even more, the truck was actually moving. I stood transfixed as any wonder struck citizen would. Soon that beautiful apparition melted away as if it had never been there at all.

I cannot recall when was the last time I saw a garbage truck in Lahore, but the existence of one proves that they do exist though they live in another dimension altogether. There have been strong rumours that there are no trucks at all which is why the garbage in Lahore is getting higher by the hour. Certainly, no citizen has reported seeing one in motion or even motionless. It was rumoured that they all vaporised under the agenda for change in which many other things, heftier and of far more value also vaporised in those 1000 wonderful days (and let’s never forget the nights). Of course old men with fading memory do recall that the city had a municipality and even a town hall where men and women sat and made plans to do civic things and make life happy for those who dwelt under their care. Now, happily there is no blessed existence of that strange bird called the municipality. A building purporting to be the Town Hall, thank God, is an impostor, since all it contains is an F-86 aircraft of the Pakistan Air Force, though what it is doing there, no one has any idea. It couldn’t have crash landed as the wheels are intact and it couldn’t have parachuted down because F-86 aircraft are not known for that, even in the PAF. It is also not a recruiting center either and because nothing has been done in the building beyond the F-86 for as long as one can remember, the possibility of it being a building where the city’s elected councillors could be found, is also ruled out.

The creation of the Lahore Development Authority was in effect aimed at passing the buck, or more appropriately in this case, passing the garbage bag. Between the two bodies, the lines of control were kept so vague that even inmates of the two were never quite certain who they worked for. That was not too serious a problem since whoever entered these two bodies ended up doing absolutely no work. This was one of the fundamental laws of both the bodies, and as historians now point out, one of the few areas where they concurred with each other. Consequently, they absolved themselves of all duties. Garbage, sewers, streets, lights (the two don’t necessarily go together) and water (too much or too little of it they could never decide) were the hot favourites. The Lord Mayor, by definition had to be a person who was a confirmed recluse and an astute businessman all rolled into one. Thus, the Mayor was most active pocketing the largest contracts or engaging in the most blood curdling fist fights with other tribe folk in that yellow building behind the F-86 whose name temporarily escapes me. In between, if there was a need, the Lord Mayor could be spotted at the Shalimar Gardens attending civic receptions, which as you may all have guessed were never civic, free food being like a red rag to a bull where civic leading lights of the city were concerned. It was a wonder that foreign dignitaries who braved these civic do’s were not also consumed by mistake by the Lord Mayor and his enthusiastic councillors. There is a proposal to send the Lord Mayor’s robes to the Egyptians so that they can display them with the apparel of the Pharaohs. The Egyptians are quite excited by the offer.

However much as there is to delight the art historian in the affairs of the Lahore Municipal Corporation or what goes by that name, there is a small school of citizens who wonder what did they ever do to deserve such kindness that the Corporation bestows upon them. Garbage dumping onto the neighbours is now a fine art that is practised by every household with tremendous ingenuity. I throw my garbage over the wall into your lot and you throw it right back or throw it into the next house who throws it back at you or into the next house creating a domino garbage effect which has the entire city enthralled. This pass the bag trick all but consumes the attention of the public throughout they year and is one of the important reasons why crime has taken such a dive in the last few years. It is proposed that the LMC should organise a garbage competition every month and then send the winning team to compete with other enterprising corporation teams from elsewhere. A capital idea whose time has come. In the meantime, there are two proposals (among many) that have all the people excited like rabbits, though not for the same reasons. One is to organise a boat race in that marvellous sewer that runs through the city particularly Samnabad. Rumours that the black waste that flows there is too thick for any boat unless nuclear powered to cut through, are simply rumours of the same pedigree as Sita Black, I mean Brown, I mean White. The race is likely to be called the Samnabad Regatta and the Queen is been asked to inaugurate it. A smaller race is being proposed for the Zafar Ali Road canal de noir and will be open to residents of the area and their children below the age of one. The citizens of Lahore are naturally very happy at these developments and grateful that they can enjoy these simple but important joys of life in Lahore, aka the Paris of the East.