De-Education For All

MAY 2002 - The Ministry of Education deserves a pat on the back – it is of course another matter that they can understand what a pat on the back actually means being largely and happily, ignorant and illiterate at the same time. A recent PAC meeting has confirmed what the country’s ‘leading’ lights on education residing in the radiant halls of knowledge that form the Ministry of Education, have known all along – simply that any money spent on educating the great unwashed, is money down the drain. While us lesser mortals have failed to comprehend this rather unique equation, the babus at the M of E have known it all along. They have cleverly saved a princely sum of Rs 2.5 billion allocated for education and shown us what real thrift can be by conserving every single penny of this amount last year and not allowing any temptation to sway them. In fact, so exemplary is their performance that a mere pat may not reflect the gratitude that we all feel for their visionary policies, so can we ask the government if it has some medals left over after the last servicemen were decorated once again and if these can be immediately presented to the Minister for Education and his staff of noble angels? It’s the least we can do to show our appreciation.

We also learn that the distinguished bureaucrats who live in the woodwork of the ministry’s many walls and are also to be found in rotting files and rusting steel cupboards, have merely followed a hallowed tradition of their ministry by saving every single penny that was thrown carelessly their way to be ‘spent on education’. In doing so, they are merely passing the torch to their next generation of moles, showing them the right way to deal with public funds and lunatic causes. It has been the ministry’s motto that all education is a waste of time and money and while the governments of the day have been careless in the extreme allocating rashly funds that could be utilized better elsewhere, it is the ministry’s obligation to ensure that funds thus thrown their way, are saved and preserved so that the menace of education does not spread.

This is perfectly understandable. Societies that allow education to spread, invariably regret the decision generations later. By and large – mostly large, all education is useless and creates nothing but dissatisfaction since acquiring knowledge in itself is a reason to become increasingly unhappy and morose. This is best illustrated in our own country where the few men and women who were infected by the great virus have simply spread discontentment and created problems for the masses who have always been happy and ignorant and preferred to remain in a state of blissful stupidity. However, governments sometimes get swept away with their own silly notions and there was a general feeling – the name of this general is not known and whether he is serving or not is also not known, but that doesn’t really matter, that people must be educated. While the good spirits at the Ministry of Education tried their best to convince the powers that be to desist from such a disastrous policy reminding them that education was not what was needed but bullet-proof bicycles for all the people (to improve law and order), they were simply ignored and horror of horrors, large sums of money allocated for dubious gains. Over the years, the ministry’s mission statement has remained steadfast and committed to its core values – to prevent any of this money from falling into the wrong hands and leading to spreading the germs of education. Aided by dedicated ministers and an army of bureaucrats – and here one uses army in its widest sense, they successfully blocked this dimwit scheme, year after year.

It is to their credit that in 1996-97, they saved Rs 419 million from funds stupidly allocated to education and returned the money to the government. In 1998-99, they did even better and a sum of Rs 886 million was returned. There was rejoicing in the ministry that they had more than doubled their glittering performance in the span of just a year but there was a note of caution from the minister who rightly pointed out that it was too early to rest on gains made so far. He exhorted them to work harder and resist all pressure to spread the evil of education adding that their sacrifices will not be in vain. How prophetic his words were. A year later, in June, there was gloom in the air as the figures rolled in. From Rs 886 million, they were down to a mere Rs 660 million of funds that had been surrendered to the government. While it was still much better than 1996-97, it was not as good as the bumper year that had followed it. Bureaucrats were seen wiping away tears, some simply breaking down and weeping like babies. Such grief had never stalked the corridors of the ministry before and many were simply ready to quit. “We worked our butts off,” said Section Officer Yameen Butt, “and blocked every grant, every scholarship, every allocation, but it was in vain,” he added before being led off like a rag doll by the Secretary Education who was heavily sedated at the time having had a seizure a little earlier. “Courage,” shouted the minister and started to rally his forces. “The battle is not over yet,” he added. “A new year waits and with it, new challenges,” he said in his stirring manner. “Let’s show them that we mean business,” he said raising his fist like the President does more and more each day.

While final figures for 2001-02 are being compiled in Islamabad – they are actually very good with figures, and even though the Chief Election Commissioner’s services are not required for once, the results are expected to be fairly satisfactory. Some optimists in the ministry of education have even predicted a figure well in excess of Rs 1000 million and are of the view that should this happen, we are looking at a magnificent Rs 2.5 billion in un-used funds over just two years. Guinness is being contacted in London for the needful. With these surplus funds suddenly available with the federal government, perhaps Minister Shaukat Aziz can be given a rest since he is now permanently jet-lagged and in-continent at all times, so to speak. Praise must also be showered on the current Secretary for Education, a certain Mr. Farooq Hassan, who when asked as to these peculiar events replied very astutely that since educational reforms were underway, they had no time to spend allocated funds. Of course he was merely following laid-down policies of his ministry, which clearly specify that all manner of subterfuge is permissible and all personal insults are to be swallowed as long as the ministry’s core objective of blocking funds is achieved. In the PAC meeting, Mr. Hassan was put through the wringer, but to his credit, emerged shaken not stirred as he flitted away to his ministry undoubtedly to hatch more plans for blocking more funds.

The ministry has done exceedingly well and taken us a few more steps towards our desired national goal of total oblivion. As the number of illiterates multiplies at rates the MOPW can watch with unconcealed envy, there is much to cheer about although rumours of a 4% GDP allocation are unnerving for the hard working cadres at the ministry. Ready to face any challenges, the ministry is encouraged by the performance of its sibling ministry of agriculture, which posted an impressive Rs 660 million unutilized funds this year and are clearly motivated to turn the country into a awesome desert. These men and women who fight such heavy odds are the real heroes and heroines of our country.