Damp Squib

SEPTEMBER 2002 - So is Benazir going to land and get thrown into the slammer? That’s just about the hottest thing that’s going on in the current electioneering which has just about as much current as the dud meter the 'jawans' planted in Syeda Abida Hussain’s farm many moons ago. Other than a few urchins tearing off posters from cracking walls, the election campaign has as much joy and verve as a party of mourners at a funeral parlour. Although I will be the first to admit that we don’t have funeral parlours, there is no exaggeration in saying that the funeral parlour atmosphere has been successfully stage-managed by the boys with the brass.

Gone are the mammoth rallies and the hijacking of hundreds of public vehicles. The sight of all those mini buses rolling along the roads is a very depressing sight. The rows of hired crowds is missing and there are hardly any sorties being organized to partake of the generous goodies that Mian Sahib laid on at his Model Town headquarters. Food was always a very important subject with Mian Sahib and stories about his affairs with things dripping with cholesterol were legendary. At Model Town, on any given day and particularly when the election fever was reigning supreme, dozens of expert cooks were hard at work serving up the kind of fare that only lavish weddings are associated with. Around midday and later when nightfall was on its way, the 'shamianas' at Model Town were crowded with rows of the faithful, all having a good tuck in. There was never any shortage of food and each throng of party workers, friends, well wishers, and opportunists, political rejects and hopefuls – all were fed to their heart’s delight. Now Mian Sahib is cooling his heels in Saroor Palace (pray what Saroor is there when there are no slogans renting the air, Hain Jee?) and the food business has taken a steep nose dive. Instead, there is a field full of strange looking men with funny faces who no one seems to know. These are the next generation candidates and they look like something the cat brought in. They are not the life and soul of the (eating) parties and therefore enjoy as much support as hedgehogs do in their neck of the woods.

There are unconfirmed reports that Mian Sahib has hoisted Media Cells in Jeddah and London run by a few faithful followers and family, but that is hardly the same thing as the GHQ he had in Lahore where not only could you find just about the entire political who’s who of Pakistan but also the country’s identifiable favour-seekers and boot lickers. Between meals – remember that the day was divided between the three meals and all other activities had to be sandwiched (to use a culinary term) accordingly. The Media Cells are issuing contradictory statements and contradictory strategies and the party leadership minus the leadership is running around in circles, implementing one then the other strategy and ending up, implementing neither. Mian Sahib’s famous chopper is also nowhere to be seen. Reports indicate that it has fallen somewhere and is no longer able to fly – like Mian Sahib and his brother. If this is correct, it cannot be a shock because even in its heyday it looked like it was going to flip over at any given time. The Russian behemoth shook and rattled and made enough noise to drive away the devil with the pilot’s wailing about the serious condition of the chopper failing to elicit any response from the placid personality of Mian Sahib, who probably never registered these warnings. So, without the food, the trucks, the chopper, the media cells, you have more or less a dull and boring campaign, which may explain why yawning has risen dramatically in the past few days.

The Chaudhries, fresh from a Rs 22 crore write-off (how do these chaps do it and why can’t Mian Shujaat be made Minister for Finance for life?) are seen to be moving about, but they and the Pervez Elahis and a host of other semi-stars are not enough to make the election hum. The manifestos, almost always unreadable because they contain so much garbage and the world’s highest quotient of falsehood, are even more nauseating. If a quarter of the good deeds promised here were to be implemented it will make every welfare state in the world look like a ghetto. The writers of this fiction spare no adjectives and allow their fancy to take complete control of their minds – yes they are rumoured to have some. The result is a piece of fiction that the electorate never quite swallows, but being largely good-natured and lenient, they allow the fiction peddlers to believe they are hoodwinking the masses. It’s a tidy arrangement. Others in the field are not worth reporting and there are so many PMLs and PPPs that you need an advanced computer to keep track of which one is saying what about which one and why. Not an easy matter when they are saying the same thing about one another for the same reasons. The PML (Q) which the wags in Lahore are pronouncing as ‘Qaay’ or throwing up can hardly be distinguished from the other one and that from the other one. If three pees were not enough, the People’s Party has a fourth pee, which is far too much liquid for my liking.

As for Mr. Farooq Leghari who must be the only man in the world to have found a mystery buyer for his barren land, who not only paid him an enormous amount of money, far, far above the real value of the piece of land – actually rather a large piece, but then deposited the money and was never seen again. The land, which had been ‘sold’, thus remained with the owner, as did the rather generous bit of payment for the same. Allah be praised. Truly He works His wonders in a manner that is mystifying to behold. Mr.Leghari who is now the paragon of all things virtuous and the harbinger of good times ahead is barreling along at full steam and between profusely mopping his forehead in TV interviews, is holding forth his vision of a new Pakistan where everyone will be able to sell their worthless lands for goodly sums of money. The good professori, Mr. Tahirul Qadri is screaming so hard in his promos that he has frightened most of Pakistan’s children. Reports from all over the country indicate that bed-wetting has registered an unprecedented rise and mothers are upset on the one hand, but pleased at the same time. They feel that all those kids who could be terrorized into obedience by the mere mention of Qazi Hussain or Altaf Hussain’s names, can now be further controlled by the sound of the professor’s screaming fits. They are also hoping that pictures of Maulana Fazalur Rehman and Maulana Samiur Rehman will be an asset for them in the days ahead.

All this you will agree is hardly the kind of news to keep you awake and fire your imagination. Therefore, on 10th October when we go to the polls – or the polls come to us, whichever is nearer, expecting a fabulous turnout is going to just as extraordinary as the sight of a Martian eating ‘goal guppas’ at Regal Chowk, Lahore.