Coronation in Islamabad

JULY 1997 - Why the Mughals had to muck up a perfectly good set up and let the Brits in, we’ll never understand, but just when you thought the days of royalty were long gone, comes cheerful news from the land of the faithful. Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is about to be crowned, not once but at least twice and soon. The All Pakistan Prize bond Dealers Association (didn’t know they had one) is all set to hoist a gaudy number onto the PM’s head in joyful thanks for the repeal of the 8th Amendment. I didn’t know the Prize Bond boys were into this 8th Amendment caper. One lives and learns I guess. The glitzy object with a white feather atop has been produced in 40 days by 20 artisans and the coronation (for that is what this unfortunate ceremony has been labelled) is any day now. Long live the er...king.

The second coronation (can a king have two in one calendar year ?) is scheduled for the 16th of August at the Crystal Hall in the Marriott Hotel, Islamabad. The PM has apparently agreed to this event too. (Small break while I throw up). Gadzooks, what is wrong with the PM ? Why has he agreed to this farcical ceremony which can only cause sniggers amongst his opponents and cast ridicule on his person. Who has advised him to go along with this scam which can surely do no good to the PM’s popularity or win him the trust of old ladies, orphans and toddlers of the country. Why do it ? Obviously this farce has his blessing since the organisers have named a venue, time, date and city.

A letter from this organisation which calls itself National News Express, has been circulating amongst foreign missions and God knows where else. Signed by a gent who calls himself Mian U.D. Zaffar, Managing Director, it opens with these stirring lines: “On the great gaiety present in the completion of Golden Jubilee Year ...” and goes on to invite you “...in this ceremony because of your struggles to introduce your goods and products in Pakistan...in a more better fashion...” This masterpiece of prose, the work of a talented and obviously prodigious writer further states... “NNE’s basic theme and viewpoint is to root out the evils from the footsteps (whose?) and expose the black face of corruption, yanking of rights (what in heaven’s name is that ?), millionism (that’s a new one) and feudalism.” Ho, ho, ho is what I can say.

Those lucky ones who have received summons to be at the coronation are knighted ‘pillars of society’ and being given ‘awards’ which “...will be a bridge, a pillar to introduce your goods and products ....and the love and devotion of the folks for you and your products, will intensify to a striking extent.” The letter goes on to say “...if you wish to sponsor any media or the Marriott wholly, we would say you most welcome....notable is the fact that Ptv. has offered us a special concession to cover the whole of the programme which is also a bright aspect for you.” Sponsors can have their ads published in a souvenir “...alongwith the snapshots, messages you wish to convey and emotions you desire to claim.” Rates are cheap, an ad costing only a paltry sum of US $ 1500. A last word of advice is offered free by NNE. “..if you wish to enroll in this souvenir, this will be a sort of support for NNE and Jihad alongwith us to root out the evils...NNE will be awfully grateful if you come to receive this award and cement our courages.” Holy Cow is all I can say to that.

It is easy to guess that the NNE is not staffed by educated people as the quaint and wacky English style indicates. The quality of the ‘news’ this service will be providing to TV, Radio and the Press is going to cause no surprises either and is certainly not going to eliminate APP and the PPI. I have nothing against con artists. They thrive because there are always enough fools to be fooled. This trick of ‘selecting’ a chosen few for ‘honourable awards’ is as old as the hills. There are many Pakistani business people who have been conned into forking out a great deal of cash for dubious and worthless awards by appealing to their fragile egos and illiterate backgrounds. Many fall for it but I can’t see Razak Dawood or Tariq Saigol queuing up and neither will the British High Commissioner or the Honorary Consul for Sweden. But most importantly, I hope the PM will be no part of this farce. The use of his name with such confidence by the organisers is however, very disturbing. Perhaps Syed Mushahid Hussain should step in quickly before they saddle the PM with that tacky crown. It’s one he can surely do without. As for those who cling to monarchy’s archaic symbols, the less said the better.