A backward story

JUNE 2003 - The MMA has a perfectly valid business plan for running the NWFP. The problem is no one understands it except the MMA. That is not the MMA’s fault just because they are brighter than everyone else. Therefore it is a pity that some misdirected and obviously deviant people have chosen to oppose the MMA’s new age policies calling them, among other things, backward without understanding that the word has altogether different connotations in that part of the world.

The MMAs deserve our sympathy to start with because when you look at it, their mission statement is quite sensible. They are against trousers, shirts, billboards, music and women – in that order let it be known. There is nothing wrong in that list whichever way you look at it. In fact if you look at it from behind, it makes eminent sense, so why the furore? What have the boys with the facials done to be the butt of all jokes – a phrase I confess not without its implications, but let that pass for the moment. Few people realize that the MMA are actually space aliens who have arrived here from a galaxy far, far away, where no woman has gone before. They represent a very advanced society, which has learnt to live without many things that we take as essential to survival. For example trousers. In the far flung galaxy that the MMAs lived on before they arrived here on board a Father Ship, there being no such thing as a Mother Ship, trousers were not required since that society had established beyond a doubt that trousers had made no significant contribution to society nor helped man conquer things like fear, disgust and envy. In enforcing the concept that no man should be seen in trousers any more, the MMA is simply establishing the point that the dress is redundant.

On the other hand, in case you have one free, shalwars are far, far better. They are, by design air conditioned and far more suitable for our hot climate. They are fast to put on and even faster to take off in case a quick get away is on the cards and what is more many famous people have endorsed them. Mulla Omar who will live on forever in the annals of dirt motorbike racing, was wearing a voluminous pair when he rode into the sunset, along with two other comrades in the same attire. In other words, there was at least 18 yards of material floating about on one 50 cc motorbike. Which other nation can even hope to achieve such a miraculous getaway? With clouds of dust and three shalwars billowing in the wind, who could even start to think of catching Omar the smoothie? Shalwar and all, he was gone before you could as much as say, ‘Drawstring.’ That is the kind of folklore that inspires the MMA. We have had trousers and shirts for over 50 years in the NWFP but has that made the province any better? Of course not. With everyone wearing the regulation SK, thousands of jobs will be created in agriculture and manufacturing alone. There will be an upsurge in the number of tailors required and all the out of work singers can dump the rubab, grab a pair of scissors and get going. There are of course other benefits. Wearing a shalwar kameez the entire province will look like it’s just got out of bed or is jus getting ready for bed. This will confuse our enemies no end and lead to great victories for the faithful. And lastly, there is freedom of action and freedom of movement that the SK offers for free, a luxury unheard of in the archaic designs trousers and shirts are famous for. Understandably, the Red Shirt leader legend will have to be changed to Red Shalwar, but I suppose that is alright.

Which brings us to billboards and the presence of all those sultry temptresses that in the guise of selling you a phone card are actually driving you into the den of sin, sex and 100% decadence. Quite rightly, the MMAs have inspired brigades of young men to destroy these towers of depravity. We all know that the sight of these young women gives many young men sleepless nights and unending days of misery and deprivation. They can’t decide if it’s the card they want or the woman and next thing you know, they are attacking any woman they can spot. A study recently conducted in the west has established that the high incidence of divorce has a direct correlation to the revival of the billboards. The MMA has simply been a step ahead of the others in spotting this source of great evil. Frankly, there is no need to show women selling telephone cards. A nice, chunky male, with a beard that is flowing north to south and east to west, will probably be a better attraction for other men, who will immediately empathize with their hairy hero. As for stuff like cooking oil, lotions, soaps and cold drinks, what is wrong with hairy guys saying the same thing? It will be a welcome change to buy Lux without having to face Vaneeza or Aaminah Haq. For carbolic soap and other manly brands, we should show half clad hunks dripping with lather and grinning like happy apes. Sales will go up as will other things. The MMA may actually open a new chapter in international advertising by selling female things through men. I see no problem with receiving a message about a favourite lingerie from a man instead of a woman. Pepsi has set a new standard in showing a Pepsi bottle with the words ‘Al Rehman’ in Arabic script right over the bottle. How clever and how inspiring. Now you can have a Pepsi and chill out with the good Lord. Can’t wait for the other 98 Pepsi signs.

The MMA and music have never been able to share the same bed, if you will excuse the unfortunate expression. Frankly, the NWFP has never been too hot with music. I can’t think of any tune which is not an offshoot of the same one tune that is present in all the tunes which all sound the same. As for the rubab, it is an old instrument and should be put away to sleep. No singer has ever made it to the top in Pakistan in any field, including agriculture. So tolerating them any more is simply not necessary. It is good they have been put out of commission. We all know they keep late hours, cause distress and sway emotions of gullible youth. A province that’s finding it hard to make both its ends meet, has no time for bad verses and even worse singing. So, off with their heads as the Queen said. If there is music in NWFP, seriously, will it improve trade, create more jobs, usher in law and order or make the Governor move out of the Governor’s House? We all know the answer to that, so we should support the MMA from behind with all our strength. The MMA will like that I assure you.

Which brings us to the root cause of all our troubles. Women. Ever since they set foot in NWFP, all they have caused is mischief. I think even now the MMA is being too nice to them. Frankly, there is no place for them – I would say under the MMA but I don’t want anyone to get the wrong ideas. If the MMA have with them – and I suspect they do, the advanced formula for procreation, they should simply ban women altogether from NWFP. I have it on good authority that the MMA have moved far ahead in their experiments with turnips and can clone anything including but not confined to turnips. Other than extending the human race, women haven’t done a damn thing and frankly with Dolly now very much part of our recent past, who needs them? Certainly the MMA has already expressed its views on this subject and with their turnip formula, can finally banish this inferior lot leaving the men to have the whole province to themselves. Party time, if you ask me.